Dark Humor

Why is the UK bad at chess?

Because they have no queen.

Joke: Genders are much like the twin towers. They used to be two, but now it's a sensitive subject.

I had to stop drinking because I got tired of waking up in my car, driving 90.

my therapist told me that time heals wounds i stabbed him now we wait

My girlfriend's a two, but she's turning three tomorrow.

What do pretzels and a corrupt government have in common?

They are both twisted.

I bought an orphan kid an iPhone.

Guess what? It had no home button.

My grandma used to beat the hell out of me for coming home late. Guess who's late now?

I was trying to make homemade baby powder until I realized it isn't made from babies, oops wrong ingredient... smh

Dark humor is like having parents, not everybody gets them.

Son: Daddy, what's dark humor?

Dad: See that man over there with no arms or legs? Go tell him to stand up and clap.

Son: But Daddy, I'm blind.

Dad: Exactly.

Want to know something? Jason and Michael Myers had to watch their family while they have to live forever. That's why they kill; they're trying to make people experience what they did.

I want a bigger couch.

Why? You're going to be in the kitchen most of the time anyway.

What's the difference between an orphan and an Egyptian?

Egyptians have mummies.

What does a gas grenade and a baby have in common?

They both squeal when you throw them.

Man yelling at mailman realizes he's opening the mailbox.

Mailman: "There's a pipe bomb in your mailbox..."

When a clock goes forward, it goes "tic-tac," but when Rommel goes backwards, it's tactic.

What's the difference between me and a rope?

A rope will hang with you.

I make suicidal jokes because I am a suicidal joke. And now for my closing act at the end of the rope.

What do you call a black guy on the moon?

YOU RACISTS! An astronaut!