Dark Humor

I piss on blind kids and tell them it's raining.

I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."

My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."

Vince Li doesn't eat comedians. He says they taste funny.

I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."

I saw names carved into a tree and thought it was romantic. Until I realized how many people bring knives on dates.

I used to be into fitness. But running from my problems got exhausting.

I told my therapist I feel suicidal. He charged me in advance.

I have a friend who's a suicide bomber. He's a blast at parties.

"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."

"Say what you want about the deaf."

What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?

When a bullet kills somebody, you know it's been fired.

What’s the worst thing about having a wife with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

A school shooter enters a kindergarten classroom. Little Timmy says, “He’s my daddy!”

The teacher, Mr. Mortez, screams. Little Timmy then says, “Mr. Mortez, my daddy says you’re a big fat whale and he wants to roll you all the way to Canada!” *pushes Mr. Mortez* Little Timmy says, “Hail f**king Canada!”

When I was feeling suicidal, I called the suicide hotline and they left me hanging.

A man asks God, "Hello God, why did you make my wife so dumb?"

God replies, "So she would love you..."

Hello, it is the suicide line. Just keep hanging.

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!'

I thought, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'