Shock Jokes

YupIAteYourCakeAllToMe

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says “God bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.” The father says, “Good bye Grandad? Why is that?” The daughter says, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father can’t believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter’s prayers again. She says, “God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.” The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn’t know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, “God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.” The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn’t go home and stays there until midnight. He’s very surprised. ‘I’ve cheated death!’ he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, “Where have you been?!” and the husband says, “Oh don’t ask me any questions, today’s been miserable.” The wife replies, “Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch…”

no name

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jills candy But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jills real name is Randy

Little Johnny and his teacher were telling each other jokes and riddles, His teacher asked “Three birds where sitting on a wire, a hunter shot one. How many are left?” Little Johnny replied “None, because the sound would scare the other two away.” His teacher said “No, but I like the way you think!” Little Johnny replied, “Alright, now I have one for you. What goes in dry and hard and comes out soft and hard?” His teacher was shocked and said “Little Johnny!” He replied “It’s gum! But I like the way you think!”

Democravid McNosettehall

I was both shocked and amazed to hear Stephen Hawking kicked the bucket.

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doowop

I had recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.

We found out that she died… from an autopsy

Anonymous
in Puns

A prisoner was told how he’ll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.

2
Anonymous

my grandad was shocked to learn that lightning can strike in the same place twice.

Anonymous
in Puns

What do you call a paralyzed turtle?

Shell Shocked

Anus McDickNuggets
in Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill

went up the hill

so Jack could lick Jill’s candy

but Jack had a shock

with a mouth full of cock

cause Jill’s real name was Randy

With a tight cheeked fanny

and shlong expandy

Jack’s face turned uncanny

Off he ranny

to tell granny

his best friend was a tranny

manager of dahmer’s deli

when Ted Bundy found out he was getting the death penalty he was pretty shocked…

Jack and Jill went up the hill so jacK could lick Jill’s candy jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill’s real name is randy

Old man

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?” She is shocked. “Why would you want something like that?” The man calmly tells her, “I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover.” The pharmacist is now horrified. She said, “I can not possibly give you that. It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!” At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having sex with the pharmacist’s husband. She examines it then looks up at him. “Oh. I didn’t know you had a prescription.”

Anus McDickNuggets
in Roast

Just cause I’m gay doesn’t mean I want you. I’m shocked anyone would

John Frank

Once upon a time, fraternal twins, brother and sisters, with almost 100% equal DNA were separated at birth. At the age of 42, they were married, had 2 sons and 2 daughter. They took an ancestryDNA test, and the results were scientifically sexually shocking.

Hi

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could suck Jill’s candy Jack got a shock because Jill’s real name was Randy.

Anonymous

Jack and jill went up a hill so Jack could eat her candy. But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of c*** because Jills real name is Randy

Anonymous

I’m shocked, my new toaster isn’t waterproof

Anonymous

Susie was in her mother’s room one night. As her mother was getting ready for bed. She had slipped off her blouse, her boobs plum and perky. Susie had asked what are those and will i get them? Her mother had said they were boobs and she would grow some in a few year’s. Her mother told susie to find her father and say goodnight. So susie left, headed down the hall to the bathroom where her father was showering . Susie knocked on the door, he said come in. He had moved the shower curtain over just a bit. Susie said she loved him, and then seen her father’s dick. Shocked, susie asked her father what that was and if she would get one. Her father said it was a dick, he said susie would get it after her mother went to bed .

3
Anonymous

I walked into a room full of men masturbating. – They all looked shocked when I didn’t stop.

0

I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.