Car Jokes

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."

The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."

The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

Uber driver: .........

Me: .........

Uber driver: .........

Me: 5 stars.

My favorite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

What’s red and goes 100 miles per hour

~babies in a blender 😌

How many people can you fit in a car?

6 - 3 in the back, 2 in the front, and my nan in the ashtray.

Twinkle, twinkle, there’s a car Coming like a shooting star.

I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.

I took my son to a driver's school and am surprised because he got his license but soon lost the privilege to drive a car because he ran over my ex on "accident."

(I gotta go pay him out of jail!)

Woman gets pulled over by a cop.

Cop: "Ma'am, have you been drinking?"

Lady: "No, officer."

Cop: "What's that in your cup then, ma'am?"

Lady: "Just water, officer."

Cop: "Looks like wine to me."

Lady: "Oh my god, Jesus did it again!"

"Have you driven through Dealey Plaza? It will blow your mind."

~John F. Kennedy

Why do orphans never get a car?

Because their parents need to buy them one.

If you buy a Renault Megane, all your girls will be gone.

Are you a sports car? Because you give my heart quite a rush!

What did the blonde say when asked if her turn signal worked?

“Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”

1979: I bet there will be "flying cars" in "the future."

2019: The flying cars future.

Bully: I wouldn't bother wasting my time on a shit person like you.

Me: At least I have a brain unlike you.

Bully: Well at least I have a mom unlike you.

Me: Well your mom is so fat that she got stuck in her car and started bleeding Nutella?

Bully: How would you know that?

Me: Because she told me herself.

Bully: How exactly?

Me: She's on the phone right now.

Phone: *High pitched animal noises*

Me: Told you so!

How do you spell racecar backwards?

racecar

How do you spell racecar sideways?

Paul Walker's death.

What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.

It’s disappointing that Los Angeles doesn’t offer better transportation, especially since my neighbor offers free mustache rides every night.

Yo mama is so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.

A girl called me ugly.

So I drove over her with a car and called her flat.