The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar…

It was tense.

My future is so bright, i need a flashlight to see where i’m going

Rules of Dark humor:

  1. All subject matter can be used, nothing is off limits.
  2. No saying “Me” or “My Life” as a joke. Nobody finds those funny. We want actual good and meaningful jokes.
  3. Don’t Repeat Previously Posted Jokes. If you are saying the same joke that the person right before you posted you are just begging for attention and nobody by any means likes that. I will add more in the future and be frequent on this site.
  • Sincerely, Zane

Suicide gives your security for the future. Decide the day of suicide and live with full joy till that day and you can choose to postpone it.

You travel to the past into the era where julius caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?¨

You reply with: ¨Surrounded by friends¨

1979: i bet there will be “flying cars” in "the future" 2019: the flying cars future

I talked to a future suicide bomber, I told him, “ISIS ain’t got Sh** on me because I Planted a bomb and lived.”

The past, present and future walk into a bar.

It gets really tense.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because the chicken had 4 chicks and a cheating hen who all sucked out all his money he got from his extremely boring job, and he finally got some peace for himself and was going to the local bar, which was on the other side of the road. He walked in the door, wings sagging, feathers catching on his claws. The bartender eyes him as he sits on a bar stool. “Chuck, how ya doin’? The missus doin’ good?” "Just give me the hardest stuff you got. I’m done." This caught the bartender by surprise. “Chuck, come on, don’t be sayin’ that. Just look to the future and you’ll be fine.” “What future?” Chuck replied in a huff. “My wife and chicks are so goddamn pestering sometimes, you know? But if I leave, they’ll all suffer, and I don’t want that either. Oh, God, Phil, I don’t know what to do.” “You know, you’ve got a good heart for a rooster your age,” Phil answered. "We need that in these parts. I’m tellin’ ya, there will be more than what’s happenin’ right now, ya know, life’s got all its gears turning for ya, and there’s just a bit slow right now. The gears haven’t been oiled in a while, but who’s the only one who can fix that?" Chuck knew the answer. "Me." Phil returned with his drink. "McClucken’s Whiskey, on the house." Chuck glanced at his glass. He held it up to the light. His face reflected in an aura around it, neither looking forward to the light and not backward, either. “No thanks, Phil,” Chuck sighed, "But thanks anyways." He went to get up out of his chair. Phil called as he walked out the door, "Just remember to oil the gears every now and then, eh?" Chuck’s comb flapped in a cool breeze brought in by the season. A bench was nearby, staring across to the other side. And he just sat there, sat there thinking. Cars blurred to a colorfully colorless nothingness as he thought in silence. He could see an open window in his mind, full of chickens: a sassy hen, two identical sportish chick; another, older than the two, and body bristling with blue comb-dye and the latest thing he watched online fresh on his Chickstagram page; finally, the first of the bunch, shy, bookish, with a secretly courageous soul. They all looked… worried, worried for the rooster who guided them, helped them grow, supported them… and all looking out of the window back at him. A single tear welled in Chuck’s eye. The chicken walked back across the road to his family, to his friends, and to the life he was content with.

Why did the murder invest in condoms?To kill the future buyers!

the past, present, and future walked into a bar. it was tense

The past, the present, and the future were having an argument. It was tense.

1950: In the future there will be flying cars

2018: Pewdiepie shuts down Shane Dawson

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

Why did the orio go to the dentes

🎉🎇🎊🎆🎈

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar…

It was tense.

It’s hard to predict the future, especially before it happens.

caesar went to the future only to see on how the roman’s forgot Julius caesar but only made a salad… i think it would have been better if caesar stayed dead

Past, present, and future walked into a bar…things got tense :). Pls send help, yet once again :).

The Past, Present & Future walked into a bar. It was tense!

The past, the present and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.

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