Future jokes

What has two legs and bleeds?

Half a cat.

My future is so bright, I need a flashlight to see where I'm going.

What came first: the chicken or the egg?

Doesn't matter, in the future, they'll come together.

Suicide gives you security for the future.

Decide the day of suicide and live with full joy till that day, and you can choose to postpone it.

The only thing brighter than my future is the fire on the World Trade Center.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because the chicken had 4 chicks and a cheating hen who all sucked out all his money he got from his extremely boring job, and he finally got some peace for himself and was going to the local bar, which was on the other side of the road.

He walked in the door, wings sagging, feathers catching on his claws. The bartender eyes him as he sits on a bar stool. "Chuck, how ya doin'? The missus doin' good?"

"Just give me the hardest stuff you got. I'm done."

This caught the bartender by surprise. "Chuck, come on, don't be sayin' that. Just look to the future and you'll be fine."

"What future?" Chuck replied in a huff. "My wife and chicks are so goddamn pestering sometimes, you know? But if I leave, they'll all suffer, and I don't want that either. Oh, God, Phil, I don't know what to do."

"You know, you've got a good heart for a rooster your age," Phil answered. "We need that in these parts. I'm tellin' ya, there will be more than what's happenin' right now, ya know, life's got all its gears turning for ya, and there's just a bit slow right now. The gears haven't been oiled in a while, but who's the only one who can fix that?"

Chuck knew the answer. "Me."

Phil returned with his drink. "McClucken's Whiskey, on the house."

Chuck glanced at his glass. He held it up to the light. His face reflected in an aura around it, neither looking forward to the light and not backward, either.

"No thanks, Phil," Chuck sighed, "But thanks anyways."

He went to get up out of his chair. Phil called as he walked out the door, "Just remember to oil the gears every now and then, eh?"

Chuck's comb flapped in a cool breeze brought in by the season. A bench was nearby, staring across to the other side. And he just sat there, sat there thinking. Cars blurred to a colorfully colorless nothingness as he thought in silence.

He could see an open window in his mind, full of chickens: a sassy hen, two identical sportish chick; another, older than the two, and body bristling with blue comb-dye and the latest thing he watched online fresh on his Chickstagram page; finally, the first of the bunch, shy, bookish, with a secretly courageous soul. They all looked... worried, worried for the rooster who guided them, helped them grow, supported them... and all looking out of the window back at him.

A single tear welled in Chuck's eye.

The chicken walked back across the road to his family, to his friends, and to the life he was content with.

What do you call a really fat psychic?

4chin Teller

Caesar went to the future only to see how the Romans forgot Julius Caesar but only made a salad... I think it would have been better if Caesar stayed dead.

*Son comes out as gay*

Me: What's 17 more years?

There are 4 people on a plane while it's crashing and there are only 3 parachutes. There's Opera, Obama, a little girl, and Trump. Opera grabs a parachute and says, "I'm famous, I get one!" And Trump grabs one and says, "Well, I'm president, of course I get one!" Obama looks at the little girl and says, "Since you're the future of our generation, take the last one." The little girl hugs Obama and says, "Actually, we can both have one. Trump took my backpack!"

Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.

We’ll be back.

Teacher: What do you want when you grow up?

That depressed kid in class: Dead.

U die from robot bite.

Someday you'll go far.

Your forehead is too big. I can see my future when it shines.

In 2023, I hope we all get wiped out like the dinosaurs.

I talked to a future suicide bomber. I told him, "ISIS ain't got sh** on me because I planted a bomb and lived."

Flat girls be like, "I will have breasts in the future." This is to all the flat girls: you will never get it.

What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?

He said, “Hey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.”