Future jokes

My future is so bright, I need a flashlight to see where I'm going.

What do you call a really fat psychic?

4chin Teller

It's hard to predict the future,

especially before it happens.

Caesar went to the future only to see how the Romans forgot Julius Caesar but only made a salad... I think it would have been better if Caesar stayed dead.

You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"

You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."

Johnny Depp once said in an interview: "I get older, my girlfriends stay the same age."

Maybe Johnny Depp's soulmate isn't born yet. We'll see in 20-25 years.

I ate a time machine once, it was very time-consuming. Especially when I went back four seconds.

Dad: Son, who do you want to marry when you grow up?

Son: A ugly girl.

Dad: Why not a pretty girl?

Son: A pretty one might run away.

Dad: So an ugly one might too.

Son: Yeah, but who cares?

People are making end of the world jokes, like there's no tomorrow.

My girlfriend's last words:

"I can’t wait to become a mom!"

[Them]: "Don't you think you'll feel ashamed of all the suicide jokes you've made when you get older?"

[Me]: "When I what?" 0-0

Everyone in my class: "I can't wait until I have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job."

My friends: "What's your dream job?"

Me: "I'm going to die young :))"

Comebacks when someone say: Bully: "Your teeth is so yellow that when you start smiling you slow down the traffic." Say: "At least its brighter than your future."

When I was in middle school, I was on my bus and people were doin' hairline jokes, and I heard this guy say, "Your hairline goes back to... uhhhhhh... 2042?"

Kid with Cancer: "When I get older, I want to be a movie star or a singer."

Nurse: *Laughs*

Kid: "Why are you laughing?"

Nurse: "When I get OLDER."

Proceeds to laugh.

Why did the murderer invest in condoms? To kill the future buyers!

People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.

What will you call Burj Khalifa after 100 years?

"Bujurg" Khalifa. (Just a joke)

My fortune cookie said, "Your existing plans will succeed." Not necessarily, since I'm suicidal...

What color would the confetti be at a baby shower in 2025?

Orange because they're having a they/them baby.