Uber jokes

I heard an Uber from your eyebrows to your hairline is like $40.

I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."

I took an Uber home the other day, and the bastard was swerving all over the road and driving on the shoulder... I said, "Who the f*ck taught you to drive?" To this, he replied, "Stevie Wonder."

Uber driver: .........

Me: .........

Uber driver: .........

Me: 5 stars.

What do cannibals call a wheelchair user?

"Uber Eats."

Q: What's the difference between an abortion clinic and Uber Eats?

A: The abortion clinic doesn't deliver.

Why did the Twin Towers go to Uber Eats?

Because they wanted something plain.

Your forehead is so fucking big, I had to call an Uber to get across the eyebrows to your hairline.

I know it's bad, sorry.

Today sucked. My girlfriend got hit by a car, and I lost my job as an Uber driver.

I was at a farm in France called ‘Uber eats Farmer league’, then I saw a strange creature called ‘Pessi’. He only appears against farmers.

He ran towards to me, I didn’t know what I should do so I decided to shout “Big games! Big games!“ Pessi scurried away.

Why did I have to pay $300 on Uber?

I had to get from your forehead to your big ass nose.

Q. What's the difference between an abortion clinic and Uber Eats?

Abortion clinics don't do deliveries.

Mother: Who do you like more, me or your dad?

Liam: I like you both.

Mother: Ok, if I go to america and your dad goes to paris, where will you go?

Liam: I will go to paris.

Mother: That's means you like dad more.

Liam: No, its because i like paris.

Mother: Ok, fine, if I go to paris and your dad goes to america, where will you go?

Liam: I will go to America.

Mother: Why?

Liam: Because I have already gone to paris.

Three drunk men get in a taxi. The driver knew they were drunk, so he started the car and turned it off. The first man gave him the money. The second man thanked him, but the third man slapped the driver. The driver, surprised that he noticed, asked why, and the third man replied with, "Why did you drive so fast?"

One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris and Superman had a bet. The loser had to wear their underwear on their pants.