Car jokes

Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive.

Why did Paul Walker regret turning in his test?

Because his grade went from 99 to 0 in less than a second.

What is the difference between runners and my car?

My car is still running.

Why did the telemarketer cross the road?

I don't know.

I don't know either, but I hope there was a car coming.

What does an Asian say when his car tires burst on the highway?

"Some Ting Wheely Wong!"

An Eskimo was holidaying in New Zealand and while driving his rented car around the countryside it broke down. A bloke passing by offered to help, lifted the bonnet and said, "I know your problem, you blew a seal."

The Eskimo with a shocked expression retorted, "Yeah? Well you fuck sheep!"

A girl in my class started barking, and I yelled out, "Furry!" Everyone started laughing at her, and I felt bad. After school, I asked to drive her home, and one the way there I apologized and then told her to count down from 10 - 1. Before she said one, I yelled, "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" then I jumped out the car.

So I was asleep and woke up and went to work. My wife left already to her job. I was driving my car and ran over someone. I woke up in my bed, realized it was all a dream.

20 minutes later I got a phone call that my wife got hit by a car.

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She forgot to put her seatbelt on.

I drove through a school zone and found out you can drag a speed bump 😬.

New skin unlocked: Blood splatter!

(Obtained by running over 69 children.)

If a furry looks like an animal, sounds like animal, and acts like an animal, can I run over it with my car like an animal?

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with your parents soon." He said my parents died. I said I know.

Drop me in Afghanistan with a cigar, a Kobe jersey, a MAC-10, a Lambo Huracan with a bumper delete, and a Toyota Tacoma with an M249 on the back. Then I'll have Afghanistan as the 51st state by midnight.

When I called the suicidal hotline in Iraq, they asked if I could drive the car.

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

He drove too far away from the power point/modem.

What time is it when you get a chance to take a car and drive all over?

Time to get in trouble!

Yesterday I bought my daughter a cat, but accidentally hit her with the car today. I have no idea what to do with the cat now.

A man driving along a country road sees a little girl crying next to a cliff. He gets out and says, "Aw, what's the matter little girl?"

She points off the cliff, and at the bottom is the family car, burning with everyone inside, all mangled and dead.

The man unbuckles his pants and says, "Little girl, today just ain't your day."

What’s the difference between a dumpster full of dead babies and a Lamborghini?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.