Car jokes

What’s the difference between a Mercedes and a Skoda?

Princess Di wouldn’t be seen dead in the back of a Skoda...

What’s big and black on the road?

What’s got 4 wheels, does a barrel roll, and goes from green to red in seconds?

Kermit in a car crash.

What actor does an orphan hate?

Vin Diesel.

I don't have a carbon footprint; I just drive everywhere.

I hit something when I pulled into my driveway.

And then I noticed that my cat was missing.

Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.

An Eskimo was holidaying in New Zealand and while driving his rented car around the countryside it broke down. A bloke passing by offered to help, lifted the bonnet and said, "I know your problem, you blew a seal."

The Eskimo with a shocked expression retorted, "Yeah? Well you fuck sheep!"

A girl in my class started barking, and I yelled out, "Furry!" Everyone started laughing at her, and I felt bad. After school, I asked to drive her home, and one the way there I apologized and then told her to count down from 10 - 1. Before she said one, I yelled, "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" then I jumped out the car.

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She forgot to put her seatbelt on.

So I was asleep and woke up and went to work. My wife left already to her job. I was driving my car and ran over someone. I woke up in my bed, realized it was all a dream.

20 minutes later I got a phone call that my wife got hit by a car.

I drove through a school zone and found out you can drag a speed bump 😬.

Yesterday I bought my daughter a cat, but accidentally hit her with the car today. I have no idea what to do with the cat now.

What time is it when you get a chance to take a car and drive all over?

Time to get in trouble!

If a furry looks like an animal, sounds like animal, and acts like an animal, can I run over it with my car like an animal?

New skin unlocked: Blood splatter!

(Obtained by running over 69 children.)

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with your parents soon." He said my parents died. I said I know.

Drop me in Afghanistan with a cigar, a Kobe jersey, a MAC-10, a Lambo Huracan with a bumper delete, and a Toyota Tacoma with an M249 on the back. Then I'll have Afghanistan as the 51st state by midnight.

When I called the suicidal hotline in Iraq, they asked if I could drive the car.

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

He drove too far away from the power point/modem.