Car jokes
I left a ticket to a WNBA game on the dashboard when I went to go get the groceries.
A burglar broke in and left another one on the dashboard.
Daughter: Hey Dad, can I use your car?
Dad: Sure, but first you have to give me a blow job."
Daughter: Okay, (proceeds to service dad). Dad, ewww, your dick tastes like shite!"
Dad: Oh, that's right, I lent your brother the car.
You know you're fucked when the speed bump screams.
How many hookers fit in a Cadillac?
About 4 in the trunk if you stack 'em right.
It's not bad that my car doesn't beep when reversing.
The screams of the passers-by are enough for me!
Hey, my sister said you're Mattick, so I decided to swim with her and she threw a ball at me, so I went to my dad and she said, "Why did you tell dad?" She was crying because I’m not getting a car seat.
I really like those "driverless cars." I saw loads of them last week in the car park.
Why did I cross the road to might get hit by a car or a bus?
Which is redder: a baby or a red car? It depends on how the baby was killed!
I was hit by a car. Later, my ex lost her bus job.
What do you call a Chinese car thief?
Tommy Tookamota.
Win a free ride in a police car! Just pick up a knife and use it!
I drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was... Oh, CRAP!!!
Why can lesbians not drive cars?
They always strap the wrong thing on.
I hate when people leave their cars running, especially in the summer.
I'm like, "You got Tracy Latimer in there or something?"
My friend dreamed of being a porno star.
He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him.
The next job he got was pumping petrol. Halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!
What do you call a sheep obsessed with cars? A Lambo.
Why did the rapper take the bus to the studio?
Because their car ran out of RHYME.
Mom: Don't forget to unload the dishwasher.
Mom: Did you finish your homework?
Mom: We are going to your grandmother's house for Thanksgiving.
Mom: Dad and I talked. We are getting a new car next month.
Son: You are?? Oh my gosh, thank you!
Mom: No, I was just making sure you were getting my texts.
Son: That was cruel!
Your forehead [is] so big scientists measured it, studied it, and then finally they said: "Oh my God... your forehead is so big it's a 50 mile car ride from your eyebrows to your hair!"