Car jokes

Brother 2: We have these weird circles on the street! Government is tracking us!!!

Brother 1: They are just to sense cars so they can change lights. And it's the government.

Brother 2: Then why are there two in the left turn lane?

Brother 1: So one car isn't always going left and stopping the others.

Brother 2: Then why are they one car apart? Oh, to have three people going.

Brother 1: Correct. When I see one car on the first, I go on the second so my light changes.

Brother 2: You monster.

Brother 1: I wonder if they trigger by weight?

Brother 2: HA. Yo mama would trigger the sensor.

Brother 1: ARG. It's OUR MAMA you're disrespecting.

Mother (brother 1): What's going on boys? *looks in mirror* HOLY SH@& SHE IS PRETTY!

Brother 2: I think you should take your pills.

Brother 1: Found them.

*imaginary mother and brother fade away*

Thank you ELECTROBOOM for inspiring this joke/sh!t. Go subb to him.

Btw the (1) means it is just imaginary brother one acting like another brother.

Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman... no other reasons besides that.

Why did the rapper take the bus to the studio?

Because their car ran out of RHYME.

I hate when people leave their cars running, especially in the summer.

I'm like, "You got Tracy Latimer in there or something?"

Why can lesbians not drive cars?

They always strap the wrong thing on.

My friend dreamed of being a porno star.

He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him.

The next job he got was pumping petrol. Halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!

You know you're fucked when the speed bump screams.

How many hookers fit in a Cadillac?

About 4 in the trunk if you stack 'em right.

It's not bad that my car doesn't beep when reversing.

The screams of the passers-by are enough for me!

Hey, my sister said you're Mattick, so I decided to swim with her and she threw a ball at me, so I went to my dad and she said, "Why did you tell dad?" She was crying because I’m not getting a car seat.

What do you call a blind person driving a car?

Died.

What did Jay Z say when he got pulled over?

"I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one!"

I wish we could implant all parts because I could have used some car parts from Stephen Hawking after he died.

Why can't orphans ever get a car? Because they don't have a birth certificate.

Your mama is so fat, by the time I swerved to miss her with the car, I ran out of gas.

I left a ticket to a WNBA game on the dashboard when I went to go get the groceries.

A burglar broke in and left another one on the dashboard.

Daughter: Hey Dad, can I use your car?

Dad: Sure, but first you have to give me a blow job."

Daughter: Okay, (proceeds to service dad). Dad, ewww, your dick tastes like shite!"

Dad: Oh, that's right, I lent your brother the car.

I was hit by a car. Later, my ex lost her bus job.

Which is redder: a baby or a red car? It depends on how the baby was killed!

Why do tryhards use Fennecs? It looks better than the Octane.