But jokes

I called my mom on Alexa, and she told me, "Please take out the trash." I said, "But I can't, you're not here."

When I finished high school, I wanted to take my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mom said no.

See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was eighteen, and I could just have his motorcycle.

What do you call a dinosaur with a butt?

A Butt-asaurus.

When I go to weddings, old people will tell me I'm next, but when I go to funerals, I tell old people they're next.

When you ask your friend if he thinks lunch is good, but he says that he doesn't taste anything.

I would make a joke about Kobe, but I don't think it would fly very well.

A priest and Rabbi run out of the orphanage.

Priest: "How the hell did that fire start?"

Rabbi: "I don't know, but what about the children?"

Priest: "Fuck the children."

Rabbi: "Do we have time?"

Priest: "There's always time for something like that."

Hey, I got some Domino's pizza, salad, breadsticks, and chicken wings for everyone. Yeah, but make sure Ms. Mandingo gorilla don't eat all up, because if she do, I'm going have to shove it up her fur.

People are fighting in a war, and a man gets hit four times in the arm and says, "'Tis but a scratch!"

And the other guy, looking at him in shock, says, "A scratch? Your arm is off your body!"

A man who thinks he's funny but is actually a transvestite/transformer.

I really want to beat the living daylights out of you, but it's not worth getting the wooden spoon for garbage.

You know how in the movie, "Nightmare Before Christmas," they say they're making Christmas?

I thought Mary and Joseph did, but okay.

I did a walk today, but I had a walk home from a walk. Walk today, but it when.

I would say something funny, but I would have to dig someone up.

What is the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but their flag is a big plus!

Don't you hate it when you do the dishes, but then you realize it wasn't the dishes?

I told my friend to fly a plane,

But he threw a ramp off a roof.

Luigi was dying and had two sons. Bruno was handsome, but Alberto was ugly.

He said, "Maria, tell me, is Alberto my son?"

"Yes, Luigi," his wife said, and he died happily.

Wife said, "Thank God he didn’t ask about the other one!"

Kate: Can we have a threesome?

Trevor: Sure.

The lights go off and Trevor starts doing what he's supposed to be doing, and then he feels something going up his back end. He goes to punch the person behind him, but then he turns on the light, and it was Kate behind him, and he's been fucking the guy the whole time.

When your girl is sucking your dick and chokes on it, not because it’s big but because you haven’t washed it in weeks.