But jokes

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

Fuck it, suicide is wrong, but if you jump off a bridge and yell "parkour," it's a failed stunt.

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy.

But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.

I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.

I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

I wish I could say that my life is a joke, but I can't because jokes have a meaning.

I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

Three citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI. Their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot her. He walked out in shame and said he couldn't do it. The second guy had the same scenario. He put the gun up, but couldn't pull the trigger, so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario. He walked out and told the instructor, "The gun wasn't loaded, I had to strangle the bitch."

When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.

Head of Company: "We need to stop testing our products on animals."

Consultant: "Why? The shampoo companies do it."

Head of Company: "Yeah, but we make dildos."

I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."

I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.

But no one would do it.

Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they drive slow through school zones.