But jokes

I wish I knew life, but my dad said it was a mistake to begin with.

Fineman, Einstein, and Schrodinger walked into a bar.

Fineman says, "It appears we're inside a joke."

Einstein says, "But only to an observer who saw us walk in simultaneously."

To which Schrodinger says, "If someone's looking through the window, I'm leaving!"

Children and your meat are actually quite similar.

At first you seem weirded out by spanking it, but later on you start to enjoy it.

I am like mushrooms. Nobody likes me, but everybody tolerates me.

I was on a flight to California, but my next in the Empire State Building.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. But, unfortunately, it just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

I don't really understand 9/11 jokes, but they eventually hit me like a plane.

I saw an emo kid that got a haircut today. But instead of saying “Like ya cut, g” and slapping the neck, I slapped the wrist and said “Like ya cut’s g”.

I'm sorry, but your dad left for milk.

Unbelievable! When doctors touch my body, it’s alright, but if I do the same to some lady, apparently it’s "harassment!"

A dog walked into a tavern and said, "I can't see a thing. I'll open this one."

The humor of it is probably related to the Sumer way of life (and has been lost), but the words remain.

A dog walked into a tavern and said, “I can’t see a thing. I’ll open this one.” The humor of it is probably related to the Sumer way of life (and has been lost), but the words remain.

A boy tried to give a tree a high-five, but instead, he ended up hanging.

Q: Why can emos wear dog collars at school, but people can't wear hats? WTF school!

An Emo walked up to a tree and put his hand up for a high-five.

But the tree left him hanging.

I was thinking of starting up a stair company, but there were too many steps to it.

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

Me and my friend roasting each other.

Him: Your dad dropped you on purpose, but my dad dropped me by accident.

Me: But after dropping you, he never picked you up.

I would invite you to play baseball, but there's no home for you to run to.

My dad said he'd get the milk, but he forgot I was in his car.