Animal jokes
Bully: I wouldn't bother wasting my time on a shit person like you.
Me: At least I have a brain unlike you.
Bully: Well at least I have a mom unlike you.
Me: Well your mom is so fat that she got stuck in her car and started bleeding Nutella?
Bully: How would you know that?
Me: Because she told me herself.
Bully: How exactly?
Me: She's on the phone right now.
Phone: *High pitched animal noises*
Me: Told you so!
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money, and he asks the bartender what's up with that jar of money.
Bartender says you gotta do 3 tasks. He takes the shot of Jack, and the customer says, "What are the tasks?" He says, "The 1st one is, well the 1st 1 is, I got about a 12' gator in the back that's got a bad tooth, and you gotta pull it." He says, "All right, what's the 2nd 1?" He said, "I got a big old girl upstairs that ain't had no loving in a long time, you gotta make her smile." He takes another shot of Jack. He said, "All right, what's the 3rd 1?" He said, "You see that horse outside, you gotta make him laugh and cry."
Guy goes upstairs, goes out back, comes out to the front, comes back in. The other customer said, "Give him the jar." The guy says, "I took care of that lady's tooth, and I made that alligator smile."
"Well how'd you make the horse laugh?" he said. "Easy, I told him I had a bigger deck then him."
Bartender says, "How did you make him cry?" He said, "Easy, I showed him."
Roses are red, Your blood is too. You look like a monkey and belong in a zoo.
Do not worry, I will be there too, Not in a cage but laughing at you!
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
Man: Did you know pidgins die after having sex?
Woman: No, really?
Man: Well, the one I fucked did...
Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”
“And yer hand?” asks Marty.
“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”
“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”
“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”
“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”
“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
To wipe the chicken's ass!
They didn't have a category for Bald, so I chose the Bald Eagle.
Did you know that bald people have an endless forehead?
Q: Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
A: To hide up cherry trees.
Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: Giraffes eating cherries.
What do you call a sad rabbit? Unhoppy!
Why did the chicken cross the road to get to the chicken coop?
Why did the chicken cross the road to get away from this conversation?
I cried when Dad cut onions. Onions was such a good dog.
Why don’t spiders go back to school?
Because they learn everything on the web.
Who did the bee 🐝 marry?
Her honey!
Why can't the cheetah play hide and seek? Because he's always spotted.
Why don't cheetahs say goodbye?
Because they are not going to work.
What do you call a dinosaur with a butt?
A Butt-asaurus.
Rooster.
"Dude come here and see a rabbit!"
"Ok!"
"Are you ok, man?"
"Yeah, I’m fine."
"Dude, pull your pants back up!"