Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. – I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? – Because they lactose.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I blew forty bucks in there.”
Why didn’t the bear go to college? – Because bears don’t go to college.
What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? – Itenticle.
Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle? – Because dogs can’t whistle.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? – Beef jerky.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? – Because the octopus was well armed.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? - Of course. The Empire State Building can’t jump.
Two horses are standing in a field. “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse,” says the first.
“Moo!” says the second.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? – “Bison.”
What does a shark and a computer have in common?
They both have megabites.
What do you call an alligator with a vest?
Why don’t blind people skydive? – Because it scares their dogs too much!
Why do the French eat snails? – They don’t like fast food.
How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? – All of them, skyscrapers can’t jump.
What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? – A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
How do you count cows? – With a cowculator.
What do you call a cross between a gorilla and a monkey? – A cross.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? – One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.