What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? – One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

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Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. – I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

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Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? – Because the octopus was well armed.

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Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle? – Because dogs can’t whistle.

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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? – Because they lactose.

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What do you call a dog with no legs? – Doesn’t matter what you call him, he’s not coming.

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Why do the French eat snails? – They don’t like fast food.

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What do you call a cow with a twitch? – Beef jerky.

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Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? - Of course. The Empire State Building can’t jump.

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Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I blew forty bucks in there.”

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What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? – The letter F.

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What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

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Why didn’t the bear go to college? – Because bears don’t go to college.

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What does a shark and a computer have in common?

They both have megabites.

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Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.

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What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs? – One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

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My aunt’s star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died. – She was eaten by a giant crab.

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What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? – Itenticle.

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Two horses are standing in a field. “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse,” says the first.

“Moo!” says the second.

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Why can’t dinosaurs clap? Because they’re dead.

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