Animal jokes
What's the cheapest kind of meat you can buy? Deer balls. They're under a buck.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
Why do tigers have stripes? They don't want to be spotted.
I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone, and a dog nearby barked and ran away. Now I'm still looking for that dog to unlock my phone.
Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tail.
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? -- "Bison."
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
Two horses are standing in a field. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," says the first. "Moo!" says the second.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? -- Because they lactose.
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?
Teacher: 502.
Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Teacher: No, you can't fit an elephant in a fridge!!
Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.
Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: open door, put giraffe in, close door
Student: No! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.
Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?
Teacher: let me guess the lion?
Student: No! The giraffe because He's in a fridge.
Teacher: WOW!
Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?
Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?
Student: The gators are at the party.
Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?
Teacher: She drowned?!
Student: No! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
Why aren't koalas actual bears?
Because they don't meet the koalafications.
What do you call a dog with no legs? -- Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
A preacher was selling a horse. A cowboy decided to buy the horse. The preacher told the cowboy to make the horse go, to say "Thank God" and to stop the horse, to say "Hallelujah". The cowboy then rode off into the sunset until he came upon a cliff, searching his memory he yelled "Hallelujah" and the horse stopped just before going off the cliff. Then the cowboy said "Thank God".
Why do the French eat snails?
They don't like fast food.
What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? -- Identical.
A panda walks into a bar. He asked the bartender for a sandwich and then proceeds to shoot him, then leaves the bar. Later on, after asking witnesses, the police track down the panda and take him to the station. They question him and ask, “Why’d you do it?” The panda replied, “It’s what pandas do, look it up.” So they did, they went on Wikipedia, and there it was: Pandas eat shoots and leaves.
3/7 of a chicken, 2/3 cat, 1/2 goat. What do you get when you cross those?
Answer: Chi-ca-go
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it.