What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? – One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. – I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? – Because the octopus was well armed.
Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle? – Because dogs can’t whistle.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? – Because they lactose.
What do you call a dog with no legs? – Doesn’t matter what you call him, he’s not coming.
Why do the French eat snails? – They don’t like fast food.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? – Beef jerky.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? - Of course. The Empire State Building can’t jump.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I blew forty bucks in there.”
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? – The letter F.
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
Why didn’t the bear go to college? – Because bears don’t go to college.
What does a shark and a computer have in common?
They both have megabites.
Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs? – One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
My aunt’s star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died. – She was eaten by a giant crab.
What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? – Itenticle.
Two horses are standing in a field. “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse,” says the first.
“Moo!” says the second.
Why can’t dinosaurs clap? Because they’re dead.