Animal jokes
If a bird flies, and a duck can also run and fly, while a cat walks, why do we drink water?
What's the difference between a bison and a buffalo?
You can't wash your face in a buffalo.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Answer: Elephino.
Why did the octopus 🐙 beat the shark in a fight?
Because he was well armed!
What do cows use for math? A cow-culator 😏
There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.
Snake one: Are we venomous?
Snake two: Yep!... Why do you ask?
Snake one: Cuz I just bit my tongue!!! (Drama scene)
What did the owl that's a detective say?
"Hoo did it?"
The only time that cows will make noise is when they are in the moooo-d.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the one behind it wasn't social distancing.
What does the blind man say when walking past the fish market?
“Good evening, ladies.”
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?
Unlike the porcupine, the pricks are on the inside.
What do you call a calf that is in no way brave?
A coward.
Why do cats like to sleep on the floor?
'Cause it's a car-PET.
What would be a pet's favorite thing to click on on this website?
Cat-egories.
Get it?
My dad told me a new version of a happy birthday song:
Happy birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too!
No offense to anyone reading this on their birthday.
I love you, Explain Bear. Please bear my children.
An American mother has 3 children. The first child asked his mum: "Why is my sister called Crazy Horse and my brother Rushing Water?"
Mum: "Because those were the first thing I saw after i gave birth to them. Why are you asking all these questions, two dogs fucking?"
One day, inexplicably, my talking parrot started insulting me. He called me an idiot, a fool, a jerk, stupid, and a variety of other nasty names. I warned the squawker to cease, but to no avian avail. Fed up, I finally flipped the foul-mouthed feather-brain into the freezer...but after about 15 seconds, I relented and let him out.
"I'm so sorry," he declared! "I don't know what came over me, and realize I shouldn't have said those terrible things. I hope you can forgive me, and I promise never to do it again! By the way...what did the chicken do?" 🐔😂
What's the difference between a cow and a pig?
One is a pig.