Animal jokes
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
What does a gay horse eat?
Heyyy!
How do you measure a dog's temperature?
In barking grade!
Autistic kids are like cats. Prove me wrong.
Two men are walking down the street and see a dog licking its balls. One man says, "I wish I could do that." The other one says, "You can probably just pet him."
What is a little zombie's favorite stuffed animal?
It's a deady bear.
Why did the deer go to the dentist?
It had buck teeth.
One day, a cop pulls a van over, and when he walks up to the window, he sees ten penguins in the back.
The cop asks the man, “Are those your penguins?”
The man says, “Yes, they are my pets.”
The cop replies to the man, “You need to take them to the zoo right now.”
So the man agrees and drives off. The next day, the cop pulls over the same van, and he walks up to the window and sees the ten penguins all wearing sunglasses.
The cop says to the man, “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo.”
The man says, “I did! Today, we are going to the beach!”
Barack Obama and Tork Poettschke are at the Natural History Museum. They stop in front of a showcase.
"These are the eggs from the ostrich!"
"Aha, and where are Trump's eggs?"
The man had no arms and a little girl came over and said, "Give me a high-five."
He said, "I’ve got no arms," and the girl said, "Are you an eel? Cause he don’t have arms."
I say we shouldn’t do any jokes about dogs cause dogs are the best, but cats suck.
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
Q. What's a dog's favourite type of sex? A. Ruff.
What is a pig's favorite part of karate?
A pork chop.
What happened to the chicken when he crossed the road? He didn't. He got run over by a truck.
What do you do when you run out of carpets? Fetch your shotgun and look for Explain Bear.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired for having sex with his clients?
He was a great veterinarian.
An old woman walks into an outdoor supplies store.
"I'd like an infrared gorilla," she says.
The clerk proceeds to give her an infrared gorilla from the back room.
"We've had hundreds of these things in the back for ages," exclaims the clerk. "You're the first person who's actually wanted one."
What do you call a drunk cat? A drunk cat.
What do you call a cow that wasn't meant to be born? A mi-steak!