Animal jokes
A farmer artificially impregnated a cow. The cow said to another cow, "It's a miracle, I'm pregnant." The other cow said, "That's impossible, it's only us cows in the field, you must be joking." The first cow said, "Nope, I'm serious... no bull!"
A man walks into his bedroom where his wife is carrying a sheep under her arm and says, "This is the pig I've been fucking."
Wife says, "That's not a pig; that's a sheep, dumbass."
Husband says, "I was talking to the sheep."
What do you call a Gary Dinosaur?
A mega-sore-ass.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off!
Why are bears' hair so sticky?
Because they use honeycombs.
Memes
A teenage girl got a summer job dogsitting for a gigantic English Mastiff. She spent hours with the dog, and walked a little funny when she got home.
"What are you doing all day?"
"Knot a lot."
Why are fish smart?
They live in a school.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
Because he was trying to catch a boomerang.
What’s the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?
One wags its tail, and the other tags a whale!
What's a whale's favorite James Bond movie? "License to Krill."
A cow in an earthquake is called a milkshake.
Your uncle Jack is stuck on a horse.
Would you help your uncle "Jack" off the horse?
What do sloths and depressed people have in common?
They both hang from the tree.
What is a cow?
What did the frog order?
A diet Croak!
Julie: What's the difference between a chimp and a pizza?
John: I don't know.
Julie: Remind me not to send you to the store...
I named my dog Stone so that I can say to people that I throw stones every day.
What is a gorilla's favorite cookie?
It's chocolate chimp.
What do you call a very rude bird? A mockingbird.
My grandpa has the heart of a lion,
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.