Aed jokes

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

Out of a catalogue. 😁

Dad's secretary left her position, he told me I could take it if I want it. He also told me the job pays well but there is a lot to catch up on. He kept me under the pump all week.

When they say you live by the sword, you die by the sword, not in Paul Walker's case. He lived by the car, died by a tree. Well, I guess the car was stumped.

My cousin asked me, "What do you think was going through Hitler's mind right before he died?"

I told him, "Probably a bullet."

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

Go on the quintillionaire morning routine now!

1. Wake up. 2. Take a shit. 3. Eat. 4. Get out of bed. 5. Have breakfast.

What time is it when it turns 13 o'clock?

Time to get a new watch.

How do you organize a space themed birthday party?

You planet.

"I'm a little piss baby!" -Dream

How to get a girl in three steps:

Step 1: grab a pillow.

Step 2: grab a blanket.

Step 3: keep dreaming.

A girl tried 77.34 (77.34) times to think of a word opposite of BYE. Then her brother divided the word BYE. 77.34 divided by 100. TRY IT!!

For all the Harry Potter fans:

A VPN is occlumency for smart devices, and our ISP is a legilimens.

Why can't people with Tourette's learn to drive?

Because they'll cause a car crash.

More expresso, less depresso. Jk, let's all drink bleach cuz life is a bitch.

If I had a garden, I would put your tulips against my tulips... 🌷

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.

It was a complete waste of money.

He just stands there applauding and saying, "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."

How do you make a suicidal guy go bungee jumping?

Tie the bungee cord around his neck.

We just got a new chicken-proof lawn. It's impeccable.

Why was the dog stealing shingles?

He wanted to be a woofer.

What does a lesbian and a sea turtle have in common?

They both choke on plastic.