Aed jokes
When you are going back to where you live from a place that is a time zone behind where you live:
"Looks like I am going back to the future!"
You look like a 2020 hologram of COVID-19.
"Hello, this is your captain speaking. We are flying at a level of 89 feet. If you look out of your window on the left, you will see the World Trade Center."
Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.
Wife: (on phone) Hi. Husband: Hey, I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.
Q: What do you call a cranky cow?
A: Moooooooody.
What does a transgender call his/her parent?
Transparent.
As a scientist, I confirm that you speak too fast. It has a speed of 1 bullshit per second.
What's worse than having an honorary degree from Harvard? Being homeless and having an honorary degree from Harvard.
What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs?
Cash and carry.
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.
What’s a reverse exorcism?
It’s when the demon tells the priest to get out of the child.
Why did God build a stairway to heaven?
So all the disabled people will have to go to hell.
At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me.
On a related note, I suck at darts.
A gay couple walks into a Muslim bar. The tender flares up and says, “let me guess, a little blood on the rocks?”
What does an orphan call a family photo?
A wishlist.
What’s the difference between air and a six year old?
Air has resistance.
I'm going to make a city just for people with special needs.
I'll call it Downtown.
Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Ken came in a different box.