Aed jokes
Oh, Lois, that was more scary than Michael Jackson without pants in front of a kid!
Your mom is so fat when she skipped a meal, the whole stock market crashed.
Your mom is so fat she tripped, and I didn’t even laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
Saw that shit on Roblox.
How does a turkey drive a car? He wings it.
Public speaking is a more popular fear than snakes, and you don't see anyone walking in Australia and shout, "Look out! A podium!"
Yo mama so stupid, she bought a solar powered flashlight.
I was at a train station and a woman ran up to me and asked, "Is this train running on time?" I said, "No, it runs on steam and coal."
What's the difference between my father and acne?
Acne waited for me to be a teenager before coming on my face.
Yo mama so ugly, when she go to church they say it's a demon!
So a guy gets a motorcycle with authentic leather seats, and the dealer tells him, "Dude, the rain will ruin the seats. Get it under something if it starts raining, and worst-case scenario, put Vaseline all over the seats to make it waterproof." So he goes to his girlfriend's house that night for dinner, and before he goes inside, she says, "Listen, this is your first time meeting my parents. We have a rule: the first one to speak has to do the dishes." So he walks inside and sees a mountain of dishes, over three months' worth, because no one has spoken, and the stench is awful.
During dinner, he concocted a plan to get someone to speak, so he started doing all of this crazy shit to try and get someone to speak. Not a peep. Eventually, he grabs his girlfriend, bends her over, and starts going to town. Still nothing. The parents are outraged but not speaking because they don't want to do the dishes. After about a minute of this, he walks away and does the same to her mum and starts going to town. Now the dad is pissed and just staring him down with daggers. At that moment, it starts to rain. He remembers his motorcycle is out in the rain, and he grabs the Vaseline out of his pack pocket, and the dad goes, "FINE! I'LL DO THE DISHES!"
What do you call a protest that gets crowded?
Human trafficking.
Tung tung tung sahur. Three tungs when you say his name? So many tungs I oughta call you a polyglot.
A guy asked me what I do for a living.
Now I'm not old enough to get a job, so I said nothing. He asked me again, so I said, "Your wife!" The guy goes to slap me, but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"
What's the difference between a mother and a father? The mother always comes back from the shop.
What's the difference between a baby and a mansion?
I've never seen the inside of a mansion.
What are a doctor's and a WWE fighter's ideas on child abuse?
Doctor's: Don't do it, it does not help. Mood behavior.
WWE fighters: If it can crawl, it can brawl.
The dark side of kid songs:
You got a friend in me... you got a friend in me!
If the broccoli said, "I look like a tree," then what did the mushroom say?
"I look like an umbrella."
Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued.
Your flesh was delectable, and so was the rest of you.
What’s the difference between a thief and a pervert?
One will snatch your watch, the other will watch your snatch.
One day, a lady and her husband were talking and it was time for dinner. He got up and sat at the dining room table, and the lady brought the plate of food in and she sat it down in front of him. "What's this?" he said. The lady said, "A piece of shit...honey! Want some water to drink?"