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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm!

According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form consists of only four lines:

1. What was your income for the year?

2. What were your expenses?

3. How much have you left?

4. Send it in.

There are two muffins baking in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "Phew, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?" The other muffin says, "AAAAHHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

I asked the gym instructor,

"Can you teach me to do the splits?"

"How flexible are you?" he asked.

"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."

Where do you buy cows in bulk?

At the stock market.

Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes?

Sneakers.

Well, you know what they say about cliffhangers...

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office account, I'll make you pay. You have my word!

How do you light up a football stadium? With a football match.

Why can't you play memory snap in the jungle?

Because there are too many cheetahs.

Don’t criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.

So, when you criticize them, they won’t be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you’ll have their shoes.

What did the priest say to the skunk?

Let us spray.

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he Neverlands. (This joke is good because it never gets old.)

How do you get to the Hogwarts gym?

Go through the dumbbell door.

How do you organize a space themed birthday party?

You planet.

What does a noisy chilli do?

It gets jalapeno business.