How do you get your grass to cut itself?
Make it depressed.
Lawn Jokes
What’s the difference between my lawn and my wrists?
Nothing, I cut both of them.
I'm starting to wish my grass was emo.
Why?
So it would cut itself.
I still remember my grandpa's last words: "Turn the lawn mower off!"
Why do people want emo grass? Because it'll cut itself.
Why did God make men?
Because you can't teach a vibrator how to mow the lawn...
Life would be so much easier if grass was emo.
Because it would cut itself.
I wish my lawn was emo, because then it would cut itself.
A man was mowing his lawn when blue and red stuff came out instead of grass. Next thing he knew, a smurf was on his shoulder asking if he’s seen his friend.
What do you call a cow eating grass?
A Lawn Moo-er.
So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.
The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.
I just planted emo grass.
Ignore it and it cuts itself.
Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn. It's impeccable.
I wish the grass outside of my house was emo, because it would cut itself.
How do you cut your grass without a lawn mower?
You dye it blue and it will cut itself.
What do you get when you cross a lawn mower and a parakeet?
Shredded tweet!
What is the difference between emo grass and normal grass?
Emo grass cuts itself.
A man was shaving in the bathroom when all of a sudden Bubba, the boy he payed to mow his lawn, comes in to take a piss. The man can't help but look over his shoulder and he is surprised at how well endowed he is, and he asks: "Bubba, what's your secret?"
Bubba replies: "Well, every night before I get in bed with a woman I whack my dick on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The man was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night, before he went to bed with his wife. So he got to bed and whacked his dick on the bedpost three times and the wife wakes up and says "Bubba, is that you?"
How do you make a baby cry?
You run over it with a lawn mower.
