Aed jokes

What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One of them you'll see in a while, and the other one you'll see later.

What do you call a ghost's fart?

A spirit bomb.

What is the most musical part of a chicken?

The drumstick.

Just got an iPhone 12 for my brother, best trade I've ever made.

I want to die peacefully like my uncle, but I don’t own a car or have a garage.

When someone tells me to kill myself,

Panic! At The Disco: Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time.

What goes zzub-zzub?

A bee flying backwards.

Oxygen and potassium went on a date. I heard it was OK.

What do you call an elf that sings? A Wrapper.

Roses are red, I have a blister, holy shit did you just cum in your sister?

Me walking in to the office:

Principal: Tell me, what did you do?

Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...

You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded. What is the first thing you do?

Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.

So, Johnny was working at a deli. A woman walks up and asks, "Do you have any salad?" Johnny says, "No." She asks, "What about carrots?" Again, Johnny says, "No." She says, "What about bananas?" Johnny says, "Tell ya what, spell out 'lad' in salad." She spells, "L A D." Johnny replies, "Spell 'rot' in carrot." She spells, "R O T." Johnny says, "Now spell 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." She says, "There is no 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." Johnny exclaims, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

Why doesn’t the US want to play chess with the UK?

The US is already down 2 towers, and the UK has an unkillable queen.

Jeffrey Dahmer was eating at 5 Guys before it was a restaurant.

Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?

Me: Seeing others happy.

Doctor: Ok, so what makes you happy?

Me: Seeing stupid people in misery or agony.

Doctor: Well, that's rather sadistic.

Me: Well, statistically one in two doctors have fingered a child...

Doctor: Do you want your prescription or shall I book you an endoscopy?

Me: There's nothing hidden inside me, I'm empty "smug face".

I had a dream about the whole ocean being filled with orange soda.

Turns out it was a Fanta sea.

What's black and white and red all over?

A massacre at a funeral.

A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.

"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"

"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

How do you stay warm in a cold room?

You go to the corners. It's always 90 degrees.