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An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like “it’s an elevator not a lift” and “it’s chips not crisps” etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted “they’re schools, not shooting ranges”.

A Man and a Cow are stuck on train tracks and There is a Train in the distance about to hit both of them. A vegan sees this and tries to help. Who does He save, The man or the cow? Neither. He isn’t strong enough to lift either of them.

I asked my midget neighbour if he wanted a lift. He told m to “F... of!!!”! I thought what a cheeky cunt and zipped my backpack up and walked away.

Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children and this time he was working at a kid’s birthday party. He walked in and said “Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel.” He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said “And for my final trick; I will disappear!” He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone. Then, the birthday boy said “Hey, he’s like my dad.” “Really” asked a little girl? “I guessed?” he said back, “My dad wasn’t a magician, but he disappeared. I haven’t seen him since…”

I hope there is a lift to heaven ❤️ I shouldn’t be making jokes tho ❤️😩

Why do ghosts love elevators, they lift their spirits!

A drunk walks out of a bar late at night and see’s a nun walking past on the footpath. He utters something hateful to himself as he begins running building momentum before launching himself at the nun catching her with a massive superman punch to the back of the head knocking her tumbling brutally to the pavement. He proceeded with a swift kicking to the nuns ribs and spine before grabbing the nun by the scruff of her habbit and lifting her limp to her feet til face to face. Looking the nun dead in her eyes with menace the drunk victoriously growled. Your not so bloody tough tonight are ya Batman.

Steven Hawkins couldn’t take the stairway to Heaven he had to take the lift

they struggled to lift the whaghts but i got watermelon to keep me in shape

Never eat more than you can lift.

What’s the difference between a 5.7l v8 and a dead baby?

If you lift the hood on my car you won’t find a 5.7l v8

How did Stephen hawking get up the stairway to heaven?

He didn’t, there was no lift…!

A man from Brooklyn is arguing with an englishman. He says things like,

“It’s a elevator, not’a lift!”

and

“It’s bathroom! Not ‘washroom’!”

He keeps going on until the englishman says,

“Hey wankar, it’s a school, not a god damned shootin range.”

Yo mama so fat and old, she lifted her boob to wash under it and a pilgrim fell from under it

He couldn’t take the stairway to heaven he had to take the lift

A lawyer bought a beautiful yacht. He invited the law firm to come aboard for a great weekend. Saturday night was the candle light dinner and Sam drank too much, walked on the deck and fell over the rail into the water and was calling for help. Tom said, “Oh no the sharks will get him.” All of the party lined along the rail and noticed the sharks were swimming around him in a circle. Jim said, the sharks are not even bothering him! And a shark lifted up his head out of the water and said, “Professional Courtesy.”

There is a man and a women on a date.

The women asked what kind of things do you love.

The table starts to lift up on the mans side and the man says sorry.