Aed jokes

What's the difference between a six-year-old and a submarine?

I've never been inside a submarine.

There was a kid crying. I asked him where his parents were. He cried more. Orphanages are really fun to work at.

A wife was cleaning her 12-year-old son’s bedroom when she found a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asked her husband, “What do we do?”

The husband said, “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t fucking spank him.”

A homeless man sits in front of a Home Depot. A man walking out of the store hands him some money and asks, "Why are you in front of the Home Depot?" And the man says, "Isn't it obvious? Hoping somebody accidentally drops the house they just bought."

I made a 3D game about a depressed, self-harming goth. It's mostly unskippable cutscenes.

What do Spiderman and an orphan have in common? They both have no way home.

Q: How are Asians like a box of chocolates?

A: Either way they'll kill your dog.

The first time riding my bike was a lot like my first time having sex.

It was hot. I was sweaty, but my sister had her hands on my shoulders all the time.

Google is a woman because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before it makes suggestions.

A missile hit a hospital earlier this morning. Fortunately, no one was injured - but 100 were killed.

Your mom is so fat that if she sits on top of a gas station, she will lower the prices.

I get so many things stuck in my head, though, unfortunately none of them were a bullet.

If I'm still single by Christmas, Santa won't be the only one jumping off a roof.

Mum: If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you?

Me: Oh yeah, no doubt my friend wouldn't even have to jump first.

Q: Why can't orphans be on a football team?

A: Because they won't know where to go on a home game.

Yo mama so fat that when I banged her in the jacuzzi, there was a level 8 tsunami.

It’s really hard to maintain a good body lately, unless you put it in a freezer.

"You the bomb!" No, "you the bomb!" A compliment in America, an argument in Afghanistan.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.

I offered to share a meal with a homeless person once, but he said, "Piss off and buy your own!"