“I have good and bad news,” the doctor said to his patient. “Give me the good news first,” the patient said. “Your test results are back,” the doctor said, “and you have only two days to live.” “That’s the good news?” the patient exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?” “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”
A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why did the M&M go to school? He wanted to be a Smartie.
Why is no one friends with Dracula? Because he’s a pain in the neck.
What’s sticky and brown? A stick!
I got my husband a fridge for his birthday. His face lit up when he opened it.
What’s the easiest way to get straight As? Use a ruler.
My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!”
What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowntain.