Aed jokes

I’ll pat your breasts, pat your breasts, cos I’m a baker’s man, and you better bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I’ll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", And then throw you in the fire cos you’re now worthless to me!

So one time I was looking up the definition of "accident" because I was a little dumbo and didn’t know what it meant. Then my sister walks up behind me and points at the word and says, “That’s you!” (meaning that I was an accident).

A few minutes later, we had a big family meeting and my dad said to my sister, “Sweetie, you were an accident. We didn’t mean to make you, but we still love you with everything we’ve got.”

My sister never talked to me again and left the house. She was 17 when she left. Seriously, 17-year-olds just never mature, huh?

How do you know you had a gay cookout?

All the hotdogs taste like ass.

Ooh! I know a joke!

(Papyrus) What is it?

(Sans) Knock knock!

(Papyrus) Uh... who's there?

(Sans) Sans

(Papyrus) Sans who?

(Sans) SANS IS LAZY!!!!! NOW PICK UP YOUR SOCKS BEFORE I SHOVE MY SPAGHETTI INTO YOUR MOUTH!

(Papyrus)

Colder than the conversation between a fat guy and a Super Model...

A skeleton walks into the hospital and said: "Doctor, Doctor, I broke my leg!" The doctor said: "I see..."

What did Columbus use to cross the ocean?

He used a bus.

My wife is pregnant with a 3-year-old, so I gave her medicine, but now she’s pregnant with a 5-year-old.

What's the difference between fathers and hurricanes?

Nothing. They both destroy families and then leave for a couple of years.

Why did the transgender man only eat salad?

Because he was a "her" before.

Why did the rapper bring a vacuum to the concert?

So the haters could SUCK on him!

You’re so short, you could use a pillow as your bed and still have some wiggle room.

Where was Stephen Hawking born?

Under a coconut tree.

I had the WORST day ever. My ex was sent to the hospital from a gun, and I got my hunting license removed.

What do you call a dark, average height Punjabi male?

Josiah.

I just prevented a 10-year-old from getting assaulted.

Nothing much, I just decided to go home.

A group of Astronauts, a Mechanic, a Pilot, & a Communications operator are on a very important mission to Mars when one of their solar panels gets grazed by a meteorite.

And so the Astronauts quickly assemble in the hull to wait for orders from the ground. Once the Communications operator turned on coms, their man on the ground told the Pilot to continue their course & to send the Mechanic out to fix the problem. As the Mechanic worked on finishing repairing the solar panel, the Pilot & Communications operator told each other dark jokes when out of nowhere a meteorite field appeared! The Ground operator frighteningly shouted "Get him back in the ship!" to the Communications operator. "Chill out, he'll be fine," The Pilot assured him. "Get him the hell out of there, that's an order!" The Ground operator argued. Then thirty seconds later the Communications operator came back from the air shoot & asked, "Now what?"

A priest walked in and said to the kids,

"Hey kids, are you ready for your faptism?"

Did you hear about the orphan who ran away from home?

Wait a minute! What am I talking about?

Yo mama so fat, they had to give her a license plate.