You jokes
One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.
I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."
How do you make the grass cut itself?
Make it depressed.
I'd tell you a joke about pizza, but it was too cheesy.
What do you call it when Panera Bread goes to space?
Good question.
What do you call it when someone lies to Panera Bread?
Panera misled.
Are you bisexual...
Or are you hellosexual?
Why are there no chemists in Africa?
Because you can’t take tablets on an empty stomach.
Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.
Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.
What do you call a paraplegic stuck in a tower?
In trouble!
What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?
A bowling ball doesn't cry when you put your fingers in it.
I hate it when you say your life is a joke because a joke actually has meaning.
You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.
Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.
You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"
Roses are red, Violets are blue, With every beat of my heart, I'm devoted to you.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, In every step you take, My support stays true.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, In this world of chaos, I find peace with you.
If you don’t know the difference between their, there, and they’re, then you're an idiot.
"What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?"
"Claustrophobic!"
Why shouldn't you make fun of burn victims?
Because they've already been roasted!
Police officers hope you’re a criminal.
Doctors hope you get sick.
Mechanics hope you get car troubles.
But only thieves wish you prosperity.
Weird?
What is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.