You jokes

I met a fat chick at the beach.

People started asking me what I use for bait, or do you want us to help throw the whale back in the water?

Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.

Yo, Leo, are you an interior decorator? Because when you enter a room, it becomes EMPTY!

What do you call a gender neutral person who is lactose intolerant non-bi dairy?

I arrived at a restaurant early and the manager said, "Do you mind waiting a bit?" I said, "I don’t mind," and he said, "OK. Take these trays to table 9."

What does Yoda say when he’s at the strip club?

"Dirty bitch, you are."

Did you hear Palpatine is sewing Nike?

Stole his slogan, just do it!

Roses are red, violets are blue; blood's thicker than water, so yeah, I got you.

What do you call a blind German?

A Nazi (not see).

Do you know why they call me battery saver?

I get turned on when it’s below 10%.

They say you should love your neighbor. Does that mean I have to love the president?

What do you call a white woman working at an all black company?

Crack/her

What do you white people use as pronouns?

Crack/her.

What’s something you can say in bed and in a Zoom meeting?

"Do you want the cameras on or off?"

What’s something you can say at the funeral but also in bed?

"Damn, that's really stiff!"

What’s something Bill Cosby and Freddy Krueger have in common?

Once you fall asleep, you’re fucked.

What do you get when you cross a rapper with an accountant?

A money manager who counts bars.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I have five fingers, two of them are for you.

I have to file a complaint against Spotify because I didn’t see you on my hot singles last week.

What is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch a cold.