You jokes

When was the last time you saw yourself in the mirror?

The only doctor you have is Doctor Pepper.

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"

Me: "Please...I need my...phone."

*opens twitter*

Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"

We gave Erik ten Hag 7-Up after Liverpool thrashed Man Utd 7-0. He said, "F**k you all!"

What do you call a guy in a wheelchair on fire?

Hot wheels.

If you mixed the Iraq wheat scandal with the basics card paying other people's dole to your wife and tumble dried it in a royal commission that made your priestly mates look bad, what would you get?

Tony Abbott's career.

What do you do if your dick is smoking?

Get your mum to lick it.

What do you call a priest that likes juice?

A Capriest Sun.

Your family is so poor, when you knocked on the door for money, I offered you a penny, and when you knocked again, the rock answered and knocked you out.

Why shouldn’t you play cards in Africa?

'Cause there’s too many cheetahs.

What do you call a dead black plantation worker? Fertilizer.

Are you the Twin Towers? 'Cause you sure upgraded.

You live in the airport.

My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"

The police gave you a fine for not fixing your ugly hairline.

What do you find at the end of a rainbow?

Answer: W.

Cars are like bullets; you jump in front of one, and they solve all your problems.

You ever look back at your ex and are like, "Wow! What was I thinking?"

Then I start to think I was the problem :(

Just kidding, fuck that asshole!

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words:

"You need to park a little closer."

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.