You jokes

Are you acid, cause I want to throw [you] at my face?

Your girlfriend/boyfriend says: "I'm dating your uncle..." You start crying and you look under the bed and your uncle says: "Damn."

What do you call a shadow?

Tyrone, don’t be a coon!

What do you call an orphan who takes a selfie?

A family portrait.

If you were a room in my house, I’d make you the basement.

So I could put kids inside you.

What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?

Special forces.

Reverend Mother walks into the convent and announces:

"Sisters, our carrots have been delivered!"

Nuns exclaim: "Hurray! Carrots!"

Reverend Mother: "They are grated carrots, though."

Nuns: "Ugh! No, thank you then..."

How do you get a koala to die? Kill it.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I was born pretty, what happened to you?

Do you know why dinosaurs can't eat hyenas?

Because they're dead! The last thing they ate was some rock.

What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?

A bowling ball doesn't cry when you put your fingers in it.

"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

How is a marriage like a hurricane?

In the beginning, there’s a lot of sucking and blowing, but at the end, you lose your house.

Police officers hope you’re a criminal.

Doctors hope you get sick.

Mechanics hope you get car troubles.

But only thieves wish you prosperity.

Weird?

I'd tell you a joke about pizza, but it was too cheesy.

What do you get when you mix a grizzly bear and milk? Mauled.

A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE FUCK FUCKED MY WIFE!”

A man in the back responds, “YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”

I hate it when you say your life is a joke because a joke actually has meaning.

You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.

Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.

You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"

When cops say you have the right to remain silent,

You're just happy you have the right to do something.