You jokes
Think about how many more girls we guys could get if we talked to them how we talk to other guys, like when they say, "Can I borrow a pencil?" You say, "You can borrow this hard wood dick."
(Phone call) This is Frank's funeral home and grill, where yesterday's grief is today's beef. How may we help you?
If you were to drop an emo and a leaf off a tree, who would hit the ground first?
The leaf, because the emo is always hanging.
What do you call an orphan that has a brother? The second one without one.
You might think that tigers or lions are the best jumpers, but in my opinion, it's emos, because some of them are still in the air.
What do you call an emo with knife cuts on their wrist?
A barcode.
You have to be a good mom to be a MILF.
I went to a tall girl and I asked her, "What do you do for a living?" She says, "An account." So I reply with, "An accounting the hairs on people's heads," and then I run away.
What do you call a Mexican who lost their car?
Carlos.
Your forehead is so big that when you put glasses on top of your head, it falls off.
How do you call a very good lemonade?
Fantatastic!
If mom saw you, she would die and be happy because of you being ugly.
You know they say, when you get lemons make lemonade... Well, I took that a little bit too literal.
Turns out squeezing your wife's tits as hard as you can hurts them.
But at least lemonade came out!
What is the difference between an orphan and a non-orphan? You can slap the orphan, but not the non-orphan because they can actually tell their parents.
You look like a double dipped chocolate chip cliff flipped glazed charcoal slim jim Mr. clog hunch frap, no feet, 9 arms, 17 stomachs. You stepdad beat you with a wiffle ball bat. NBA Youngboy was in your bathroom spitting on you and now you got herpes on your left side cheek.
How do you know when a joke has turned into a dad joke?
When it leaves you and never comes back.
Why should you always knock on the fridge door before opening it? In case there's a salad dressing.
You know stairs, right? The dark... My there is something. I know that if you fall down the stairs, your balls will be crushed!
Did you know you don't actually wash your hands?
They wash each other while you stand there looking at them like a creep.
Kid me: I lost my stick.
Teacher: No, you didn’t.
Kid me: How do you know that?
Teacher: It’s hanging out of your pants.