You jokes
I complained to my dad why he never took me to the zoo.
He said if they want you, they’ll come get you.
I met a fat chick at the beach.
People started asking me what I use for bait, or do you want us to help throw the whale back in the water?
Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.
Yo, Leo, are you an interior decorator? Because when you enter a room, it becomes EMPTY!
What do you call a gender neutral person who is lactose intolerant non-bi dairy?
What does Yoda say when he’s at the strip club?
"Dirty bitch, you are."
Roses are red, violets are blue; blood's thicker than water, so yeah, I got you.
What do you call a blind German?
A Nazi (not see).
What is the difference between your dad and a video game?
Your dad doesn’t beat you.
Why can’t you take an Asian guy golfing? Because you can’t drive. Every time he does, he tries to put a hole-in-one.
Do you know why they call me battery saver?
I get turned on when it’s below 10%.
What do you get when you mix a grizzly bear and milk? Mauled.
A Russian walked into a bar... Unlucky for him I guess, in Soviet Russia, you don’t walk into bars. Bars walk into you.
A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE FUCK FUCKED MY WIFE!”
A man in the back responds, “YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”
What happens when you have dry elbows at work?
You don't have any elbow grease to put into it.
Son: Dad, where are you?
Dad: Getting another one.
Son: Getting what?
Dad: Dad.
What do you call plane crash victims?
Down to earth people.
A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."
The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"
The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."
"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.
But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
How is a marriage like a hurricane?
In the beginning, there’s a lot of sucking and blowing, but at the end, you lose your house.