You jokes
My sister said that you know that "that" is really cool. Then I said, "You know you can shut up."
Did you hear that Alicia wrecked her Lexus?
It's really a shame. She had to give her dad 3 months worth of blowjobs before he'd pay for it.
What do babies and grenades have in common? They both make noise when you throw them.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter what you call him, he ain't comin'.
I'll never forget my Grandad's last words... "Son, where did you get a grenade from?!"
Me: What did one toilet say to the other?
You: What?
Me: You look flushed!
Did you know ghosts are alcoholics?
They only come out for the boos.
What do you call a blonde in the freezer?
Her parents named her Cindy, so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.
My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."
The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"
My mom said, "I took your advice."
How do you make a builder cry?
Kill his family.
I am throwing a party in space. Can you help me planet?
Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into 2 skyscrapers.
A wise man once told me: "If you poke the bear in prison, the bear will happily return the favor when it's time to shower."
What is the world's greatest invention? The ball gag, do you know why? Honestly, officer, I never heard her say no.
What do you call a white kid at the back of the class?
School shooter.
If I'm ugly, at least I'm not you.
What do you call a skunk falling from the sky?
A stink bomb!
How do you know a hippie is on her period?
Her socks are missing.
How do you know she's off?
Her socks are tye-dye.
What do you call a cup with a handle?
A mug! HAHA ha... My parents just got a divorce :(
Christmas special
Me: Can you describe Mrs. Claus in 3 words? Santa: Ho ho ho.