You jokes
How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon?
They'll tell you.
A couple is on their first date.
Man: How do you feel about sex?
Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
How do you know your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
Roses are red, violets are blue. Get over here so I can fuck you.
You want to hear a rape joke? Yeah. Damn you ruined it.
What do you call a group of cops having a sleep over?
Pigs in a blanket.
So the other day, I saw a child in a wheelchair.
He was getting bullied a lot, so I came up and said, "Why don't you stand up to those bullies?"
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Wanna hear a plane joke? Nah, it'll just go over your head.
How do you fit a baby in a bowl? ... A blender... and how do you get it out?
Tortilla chips.
My girlfriend told me to stop playing Pokemon as it was childish.
I started thrashing about and roared, “You don’t have enough badges to control me!”
This Fairy Tail shirt is only $9.99! Guess you can say that's a fair retail.
What time is it when you can drive a house? Time to get a wheelchair.
What did the girl say to the man with a moustache?
I moustache you a question.
What do you call Stephen Hawking in a burning building?
Hot Wheels.
I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.
So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!
Slavery and discipline, it's kind of the same thing. You get whipped for doing the wrong thing.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue, there's always someone who's better than you.
A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll fuck you for $10." The boy says, “I would, but I don't have any money.” She says, “Ok, I'll take the duck instead.” He says ok, so they go upstairs and fuck.
The prostitute says, “That’s the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back and we can do it again.” So they do and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up fuck.
An old lady walks into an adoption center, and the lady that runs the business says, "Oh, haven’t seen you in a long time!"