You jokes

"Boiled ham" is what you call a dead Russian.

You know why Santa's saying is "Ho Ho Ho?"

How else is he supposed to give boys and girls a baby brother or sister for Christmas?

Time heals all wounds. Unless you have AIDS, when time kills you slowly and painfully.

This is nothing to do with 9/11, but this is my best joke.

What do you call a Paki in a microwave?

Pting pting pting.

Why don't you see gay people in wheelchairs?

Because once you're a fruit, you can't be a vegetable.

I was going to tell you a joke about a pencil, but now it is pointless.

If you unironically think someone who killed themselves should have their body in jail, you are honestly such a fucking embarrassment to humanity.

How do men like their women? Striped.

How does a priest like their children? Clean.

Why are most orphans strippers? They want to call someone mommy or daddy.

What is the difference between a stripper and candy? None. But they like it when you take the wrapper off.

Fat people: Do I look beautiful when I eat a pack of chicken?

Me: Yes, you look like a bunch of boulders crashing into each other.

Fat: Dang...

Me: Shut up, Jon Brower Minnoch.

Two to the one from the one to the three, I like good pussy and I like good trees, Smoke so much weed you wouldn't believe, And I get more ass than a toilet seat.

Three to the one from the one to the three, I met a bad bitch last night in the D, Let me tell you how I made her leave with me, Conversation and Hennessey.

I've been to the motherfuckin' mountain top, Heard motherfuckers talk, seen and dropped, If I ain't got a weapon I'ma pick up a rock, And when I bust yo ass I'ma continue to rock.

Getcha ass of the wall with your two left feet, It's real easy just follow the beat, Don't let that fine girl pass you by, Look real close 'cause strobe lights blind.

What did the Titanic say to the people as it went down?

"I now nominate you to the ice bucket challenge!"

Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted. Me and my dad were going home and walk home and I got home.

How do you get a nun pregnant?

You dress her up as an altar boy.

The man had no arms and a little girl came over and said, "Give me a high-five."

He said, "I’ve got no arms," and the girl said, "Are you an eel? Cause he don’t have arms."

My mom went to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.

How do you get rid of butterflies in your stomach?

Stop eating caterpillars.

Do you put a baby in the microwave covered or uncovered?

Covered, it can take weeks to clean up the explosion.

If you say the word "gullible" slowly, it will sound like you're saying "orange."

"Can I tell you a paper joke?" I said, "But it is pretty terrible."

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."