Ups jokes

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I’m sorry you look like my old beat up shoe.

A guy wakes up one morning and is walking down the road, and he smells fish, and he says, "Good morning, ladies!"

I threw a lamp at an emo kid and told him to lighten the f*ck up.

What comes up on small oceans? Microwaves.

How do you make a peanut laugh? You crack it up!

Go up to your friend and say: "It smells like updog."

They will likely reply: "What's updog?"

To which you reply: "Nothing much, what about you?"

Shorts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin. When it's sniff, stick it in. It goes in dry and comes out wet, And the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag.

It's not what you think it is. It's a Lipton tea bag.

Get your mind together!

How did the coke seller react when someone told him a joke?

He CRACKed up.

I have a daily routine where I take a crap every morning at 6 AM, but wake up at 7 AM. And it's not even a joke.

You know, being a bitch is hard... but I found the person who's up for the challenge... you.

What do you say when you wake up to the police trying to arrest you?

“C'mon, did ya really think I’d resist arrest?”

People wonder why our generation grew up so sarcastic.

"Hey, how do I look?"

"With your eyes, Joe."

The one thing I love about Steven is he stood up for all of his haters. Just kidding!

I got a new job at a trampoline park the other day. If I’m being honest, it’s got its ups and downs.

Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."

What does a stick say when it falls down? "Wood you help me up?"

What did one skeleton say to the other?

Skeleton 1: "I need a hand!"

Skeleton 2: (Throws up hand)

Skeleton 1: "That wasn't very humerus."

Skeleton 2: "Why do you have to be so heartless?"

Skeleton 1: "At least I had the guts to tell you!"

Why can’t you trust an atom?

Because they make up literally everything.

I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something.

Why couldn't Professor Xavier fight Magneto? Because he couldn't stand up for himself.