Ups jokes

A poor person came up to me and said, "You're ugly." I said, "You remind me of Spider-Man: No Way Home."

I'm not saying I'm ugly...

But when I'm watching porn, the hot, sexy women in my area always pop up and ask me if I'm rich.

Are you feeling down? Because I’d happily feel you up.

You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!

If someone licks your elbow, you won't feel it.

If you put your ear up to someone's leg, you can hear them say, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.

Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.

Why can’t you trust an atom?

Because they make up literally everything.

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I’m sorry you look like my old beat up shoe.

A guy wakes up one morning and is walking down the road, and he smells fish, and he says, "Good morning, ladies!"

What do you call a night person? A night owl 🦉 who is up all night, lol!

Jack and Jill went up the hill.

Jack fell down, his ass was bound, and Jill continued up the hill.

Jack came back and beat Jill's back, and he got the ultimate kill.

What comes up on small oceans? Microwaves.

As an honest Penaldo fan, I have to admit he is a penalty merchant. He can only score against farmer teams like Spezia. He never shows up against great teams like Barcelona.

I've come to realize my hero Penaldo will never be better than Messi. My idol Penaldo is sadly finished.

Go up to your friend and say: "It smells like updog."

They will likely reply: "What's updog?"

To which you reply: "Nothing much, what about you?"

Shorts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin. When it's sniff, stick it in. It goes in dry and comes out wet, And the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag.

It's not what you think it is. It's a Lipton tea bag.

Get your mind together!

I threw a lamp at an emo kid and told him to lighten the f*ck up.

What takes up 10 parking spaces? Five female drivers.

What do you say to a crippled man getting bullied?

"Why not you stand up for yourself?"

You go up to a bar and say, "Hi." He doesn’t look at you. You keep saying, "Hi." He says, "What?" Then you realize that he is the one that you stole his lady from, but then he doesn’t give you any drink. You say, "Why?" He screams at you and then says, "YOU'RE FIVE!"

What does a blind man and your dick have in common?

They both can’t get up without a dog.