Ups jokes

Go up to your friend and say: "It smells like updog."

They will likely reply: "What's updog?"

To which you reply: "Nothing much, what about you?"

Shorts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin. When it's sniff, stick it in. It goes in dry and comes out wet, And the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag.

It's not what you think it is. It's a Lipton tea bag.

Get your mind together!

I threw a lamp at an emo kid and told him to lighten the f*ck up.

What takes up 10 parking spaces? Five female drivers.

What do you say to a crippled man getting bullied?

"Why not you stand up for yourself?"

You go up to a bar and say, "Hi." He doesn’t look at you. You keep saying, "Hi." He says, "What?" Then you realize that he is the one that you stole his lady from, but then he doesn’t give you any drink. You say, "Why?" He screams at you and then says, "YOU'RE FIVE!"

What does a blind man and your dick have in common?

They both can’t get up without a dog.

When you're having a normal day at school, but then...

"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks"

When you go to a baseball game and they say, "Heads up!" and you put your head up, and the ball hits you in the head.

Why can an orphan never get picked up?

Because the white van did not come that day. HAHA BIG LOL

Babe, I'm breaking up with you.

Why? I'm turning 18 tomorrow.

I beat up my twin friends with a plane.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

'Cause they don't got balls to scratch.

What goes up and down and needs two people?

A seesaw.

You know, being a bitch is hard... but I found the person who's up for the challenge... you.

What do you say when you wake up to the police trying to arrest you?

“C'mon, did ya really think I’d resist arrest?”

People wonder why our generation grew up so sarcastic.

"Hey, how do I look?"

"With your eyes, Joe."

I have a daily routine where I take a crap every morning at 6 AM, but wake up at 7 AM. And it's not even a joke.

How do you make a peanut laugh? You crack it up!

What did one skeleton say to the other?

Skeleton 1: "I need a hand!"

Skeleton 2: (Throws up hand)

Skeleton 1: "That wasn't very humerus."

Skeleton 2: "Why do you have to be so heartless?"

Skeleton 1: "At least I had the guts to tell you!"