Ups jokes

Roses are red, violets are blue.

These jokes are old, come up with something new!

Why can't you make jokes about catholic priests?

Because they blow up in your face.

My husband asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7-Up.

What does a stick say when it falls down? "Wood you help me up?"

There was a guy called Manners, one called Poo, and one called Shut Up.

One day, Manners was on his way to pick up Poo from school. A police officer stopped Shut Up and said:

Police: "What’s you name?"

Shut Up: "Shut Up."

Police: "Where's your manners?!"

Shut Up: "Picking up Poo."

The one thing I love about Steven is he stood up for all of his haters. Just kidding!

I got a new job at a trampoline park the other day. If I’m being honest, it’s got its ups and downs.

People wonder why our generation grew up so sarcastic.

"Hey, how do I look?"

"With your eyes, Joe."

Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."

What did one skeleton say to the other?

Skeleton 1: "I need a hand!"

Skeleton 2: (Throws up hand)

Skeleton 1: "That wasn't very humerus."

Skeleton 2: "Why do you have to be so heartless?"

Skeleton 1: "At least I had the guts to tell you!"

Why can’t you trust an atom?

Because they make up literally everything.

What do you say when you wake up to the police trying to arrest you?

“C'mon, did ya really think I’d resist arrest?”

I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something.

Why couldn't Professor Xavier fight Magneto? Because he couldn't stand up for himself.

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.

A poor person came up to me and said, "You're ugly." I said, "You remind me of Spider-Man: No Way Home."

Shorts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin. When it's sniff, stick it in. It goes in dry and comes out wet, And the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag.

It's not what you think it is. It's a Lipton tea bag.

Get your mind together!

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

Jack and Jill went up the hill.

Jack fell down, his ass was bound, and Jill continued up the hill.

Jack came back and beat Jill's back, and he got the ultimate kill.

I'm not saying I'm ugly...

But when I'm watching porn, the hot, sexy women in my area always pop up and ask me if I'm rich.