Ups jokes
Your momma so fat, when she stepped on the weighing scales, her phone number came up!
A momma cow and three baby calves are on a farm. The first baby calf asks the momma cow, "Mom, why is my name Rose?"
The mom responded, "Well, you see, when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head."
The second one asks her, "Then why is my name Daisy?"
The mom chuckled and simply replied with, "When you were born, Daisy petals fell on your head."
The last one said, "DUH DUR SURH!"
The mom said, "SHUT UP, CINDER BLOCK!"
Motherhood is a fairytale in reverse. You start in a beautiful gown and end up cleaning everyone's messes.
My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.
My husband asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7-Up.
If someone licks your elbow, you won't feel it.
If you put your ear up to someone's leg, you can hear them say, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"
Roses are red, violets are blue.
These jokes are old, come up with something new!
Are you feeling down? Because I’d happily feel you up.
If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.
Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.
You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!
I have a daily routine where I take a crap every morning at 6 AM, but wake up at 7 AM. And it's not even a joke.
What do you say when you wake up to the police trying to arrest you?
“C'mon, did ya really think I’d resist arrest?”
What does a stick say when it falls down? "Wood you help me up?"
Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."
People wonder why our generation grew up so sarcastic.
"Hey, how do I look?"
"With your eyes, Joe."
There was a guy called Manners, one called Poo, and one called Shut Up.
One day, Manners was on his way to pick up Poo from school. A police officer stopped Shut Up and said:
Police: "What’s you name?"
Shut Up: "Shut Up."
Police: "Where's your manners?!"
Shut Up: "Picking up Poo."
The one thing I love about Steven is he stood up for all of his haters. Just kidding!
What did one skeleton say to the other?
Skeleton 1: "I need a hand!"
Skeleton 2: (Throws up hand)
Skeleton 1: "That wasn't very humerus."
Skeleton 2: "Why do you have to be so heartless?"
Skeleton 1: "At least I had the guts to tell you!"
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up literally everything.
I got a new job at a trampoline park the other day. If I’m being honest, it’s got its ups and downs.