Ups jokes

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

'Cause they don't got balls to scratch.

I threw a lamp at an emo kid and told him to lighten the f*ck up.

What takes up 10 parking spaces? Five female drivers.

A guy wakes up one morning and is walking down the road, and he smells fish, and he says, "Good morning, ladies!"

What do you call a night person? A night owl 🦉 who is up all night, lol!

I beat up my twin friends with a plane.

What goes up and down and needs two people?

A seesaw.

What comes up on small oceans? Microwaves.

Go up to your friend and say: "It smells like updog."

They will likely reply: "What's updog?"

To which you reply: "Nothing much, what about you?"

As an honest Penaldo fan, I have to admit he is a penalty merchant. He can only score against farmer teams like Spezia. He never shows up against great teams like Barcelona.

I've come to realize my hero Penaldo will never be better than Messi. My idol Penaldo is sadly finished.

What do you say to a crippled man getting bullied?

"Why not you stand up for yourself?"

You go up to a bar and say, "Hi." He doesn’t look at you. You keep saying, "Hi." He says, "What?" Then you realize that he is the one that you stole his lady from, but then he doesn’t give you any drink. You say, "Why?" He screams at you and then says, "YOU'RE FIVE!"

You know, being a bitch is hard... but I found the person who's up for the challenge... you.

How do you make a peanut laugh? You crack it up!

I have a daily routine where I take a crap every morning at 6 AM, but wake up at 7 AM. And it's not even a joke.

Motherhood is a fairytale in reverse. You start in a beautiful gown and end up cleaning everyone's messes.

You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!

Are you feeling down? Because I’d happily feel you up.

If someone licks your elbow, you won't feel it.

If you put your ear up to someone's leg, you can hear them say, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.

Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.