Ups jokes

When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.

How do you break up a fight between two gay men?

Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.

What does a paleontologist and woke people have in common?

They both enjoy digging up the past.

What did the man say in the morning after beating up his wife?

"I woke up Chris Breezy."

Your mama is so nasty.

She showed up to Red Lobster with her own crabs.

One day, during lunch, a Spanish kid came up to my other friend and asked her questions in Spanish, and when she was about to say something, I popped out and said, “GO AWAY OR I WILL SUE YOU WITH BRIANNA’S SEVEN/7 LAWYERS!!!!(AKA, her seven/7 shoes.)”

Your children grew up faster than it took you to leave for the milk.

You're so ugly, your class searched up Godfrey Baguma and all called out your name!

I’m going to reenact the ending of Saw (2004), except I won’t stand up and shut the door.

If this gets 10 comments (I don't care about likes) I will write a four page essay and post it, and it's up to you guys what it's about.

Why is the orphan happy when he wakes up from a coma?

Because there is a family reunion.

My heart broke as I went down the stairs, and my girlfriend broke her heart.

An orphan walked up to a baseball field, but a security guard said he couldn't come in because it was a home game.

I bought a sweater and it started building up static electricity.

So I got another one free of charge.

Did you hear about the cello player who dreamed he was performing Bolero?

He woke up and found out it was true.

What's a deaf kid's favorite words?

"Shut up."

You know why eggs can't tell jokes?

They crack each other up!

Did you leave your hairline at the airplane, because it's going up?