Ups

Ups jokes

Rape

    • Me and my friends were having a party the other day when some bitch came bitching about the noise. Thankfully, she was hot and had a nice ass, so it was enjoyable raping her.

    The next day when I woke up, I found her body only half eaten. Her lower body was still intact, so I went for seconds to fuck off the hangover. Then I had breakfast. Her ass tasted good with some ketchup.

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    • Wheelchair

    • I just went on a date with a woman in a wheelchair.

    I stood her up, which made her fall for me. At first it was a drag, but now we’re rolling.

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    • Father

    • A father and a son were painting pictures together. The son and father were drawing the exact same thing to a T, and the son said, "What happened to your hand?" looking at the scar tissue near the father's knuckle. The father replied with, "You know what happened, you were there." The son continues to deny this until they both finish their paintings. They're exactly the same.

    The father passes out for a few hours and wakes up to find that there's only one painting.

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    • Bus

    • I walked up to a man, and he said, "How's the weather up there?" and then I pushed him into the street to get hit by a bus.

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    • Shrek

    • Shrek once went to the movies and when he sat down he felt this slimy and sticky feeling on the chair, so he stood up and complained about his chair being dirty... until he realized that he forgot to wipe earlier... so he stopped complaining and went back to his chair and sat back down.

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    • Ups memes

    Asian

    • An Asian walked up to another Asian that was crying.

    He asked, "Is somting wong?"

    The other guy says, "I was i a noh paking zon."

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    • Elephant

    • Q: My scale had my phone number on it. Wandering why, I looked up only to see an elephant in my face...

    Boss

    • A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast."

    "I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

    She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees.

    After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The... bastard.....used.....coins."

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    • Surgery

    • A man woke up from a serious surgery. He screamed, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!" And the doctor replied, "I know. I amputated your arms."

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    • Fish

    • A fish was swimming around in a pond when he noticed a fly flying around about six inches above the water. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, I could have myself a nice meal."

    There was a bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, that fish will come up for that fly, and I can catch that fish and have myself a nice meal."

    There was a hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will go for the fish, and I can shoot the bear and have myself a nice meal."

    There was a mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his sandwich and I can have myself a nice meal."

    There was a cat in a tree watching the mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his sandwich, the mouse will go for the sandwich, and I can catch that mouse and have myself a nice meal."

    Then it all happened.

    The fly dropped six inches.

    The fish came up and caught the fly.

    The bear came out and caught the fish.

    The hunter got up to shoot the bear and dropped his sandwich.

    The mouse went for the sandwich.

    The cat jumped from the tree, missed, and landed in the pond.

    The lesson that can be learned here is that every time a fly drops six inches, a pussy gets wet.

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    • Scientist

    • Three scientists are doing an experiment. They are trying to find out what happens when you stick a cork in an elephant's ass.

    In the lab, they each look at each other and decide that they should hire a monkey to do it. The monkey sticks the cork up the elephant's ass, and the scientists wait three weeks.

    The monkey pulls out the cork, and all three scientists go back and discuss what they saw.

    The first one, standing one mile away, says all he could see was a wave of brown, then it all went black. The second, standing two miles away, said the same. The third, who was standing three miles away, said all he could see was the other two get consumed by a massive cloud of brown.

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