Ups jokes
I’m going to reenact the ending of Saw (2004), except I won’t stand up and shut the door.
What did the Twin Towers say when they saw the airplane?
Batter up!
Why do high tides come up so high?
Because they come up to say hi.
Wow, you did 10 chin-ups? Was it 1 for each chin?
How did a man know his wife died?
Dishis start piling up.
One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.
My friend in a wheelchair is autistic and tried to fight me, so I said: "If you wanna fight me, I'll run up the stairs, and by the time you get up the stairs, I'll already be down the stairs waiting," and he started crying.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."
My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."
If a mentally challenged person shows up late,
Is it ok to call him tardy?
What does a paleontologist and woke people have in common?
They both enjoy digging up the past.
What did the man say in the morning after beating up his wife?
"I woke up Chris Breezy."
Your mama is so nasty.
She showed up to Red Lobster with her own crabs.
I walked up to some Arabs and said "Alawakba," then here came the second tower.
How do you break up a fight between two gay men?
Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"
Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.
One day, during lunch, a Spanish kid came up to my other friend and asked her questions in Spanish, and when she was about to say something, I popped out and said, “GO AWAY OR I WILL SUE YOU WITH BRIANNA’S SEVEN/7 LAWYERS!!!!(AKA, her seven/7 shoes.)”
What do you call Mordecai dressing up as a basketball player?
Blue Jay Simpson!
We gave Erik ten Hag 7-Up after Liverpool thrashed Man Utd 7-0. He said, "F**k you all!"