Q: What's another name for cumming inside a woman?
A: Loading up the dishwasher.
Ups Jokes
Your dad is so f**king fat that when he bends over and comes back up, it's the next day.
I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.
My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."
Your mama is so nasty.
She showed up to Red Lobster with her own crabs.
If a mentally challenged person shows up late,
Is it ok to call him tardy?
My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."
Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.
What did the autistic kid say to his girlfriend after they broke up?
"I thought what we had was special!"
My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.
I would tell a 9/11 joke, but it would probably go up in flames.
When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.
How do you break up a fight between two gay men?
Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
What does a paleontologist and woke people have in common?
They both enjoy digging up the past.
Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.
What did the man say in the morning after beating up his wife?
"I woke up Chris Breezy."
Q: How many men does it take to open up a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
I walked up to some Arabs and said "Alawakba," then here came the second tower.
