Ups jokes

When you fall asleep on the couch and wake up in your bed.

But you know you live alone.

My wife is so fat.

She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.

I have had it up to here with you.

(Then there Hight.)

A can of worms popping up and down inside a lot of people and a girl ate the can of worms: It was her imaginenation.

Well, we started off by ripping up ALL of the decking.

Abandon ship!

A few days ago, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.

It's tricky when you're both a moth and a sea captain in charge of a ship, but up ahead, you see a lighthouse.

Hi guys, I'm back! So I have a question for you. What is red and smells like blue paint? Type in comments what you came up with.

You know that your grades are bad when you get a 66% on a test and your grade goes up.

A girl with no arms and one leg goes to her mother and asks: "Mom, next year for the carnival, can I dress up as a princess?"

The mother replies: "Why? Didn't you like the ice lolly dress from last year?"

My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.

Bf: Babe, do you love me?

Gf: Of course, why do you ask?

Bf: I heard that your mom passed away, and I went to pick some roses for you to try to cheer you up, and then I remembered why I went to the garden.

Son: Mom, can I tell you something?

Mom: Yes, of course, honey, what's up?

Son: Ok, you have terrible jokes! They're not even funny!

Mom: Well, I made you.

Paddy and Murphy are walking down the street when all of a sudden, Paddy falls down a manhole. Murphy shouts down, "Paddy, is it dark down there?"

Paddy shouts up, "Dunno Murphy, I crnt see a fecking thing!"

Kevin Woody (look him up)

Where do all orphan chickens end up? Foster Farms.

You're walking one day and a little kid, about 5-6 years old, comes up to you asking, "What's a condom?" You have to give that child the wrong answer, what would you tell them? Comment on what you would tell them.

I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day...

Every time they see me, kids and mothers run away...

I don’t have a costume so please don’t reprimand...

When I open up the door, I’ve got my penis in my hand.

On this website, I just searched up "My jokes". In response, it said, "No jokes found." Wth.

What did the acorn say when it grew up?

Geometry.

(Geometry= "Gee, I'm a tree!")