Ups Jokes

I dressed up as Darth Vader at an orphanage and said, "I am your father!"

You know why eggs can't tell jokes?

They crack each other up!

One day, during lunch, a Spanish kid came up to my other friend and asked her questions in Spanish, and when she was about to say something, I popped out and said, “GO AWAY OR I WILL SUE YOU WITH BRIANNA’S SEVEN/7 LAWYERS!!!!(AKA, her seven/7 shoes.)”

My wife is so fat.

She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.

Did you leave your hairline at the airplane, because it's going up?

Spongebob is sitting at a desk with a pen in his hand and looks startled with big eyes, in the background you can see a window. The text on top says: "when you're almost done with your work but then you hear kids around you packing up".

When you fall asleep on the couch and wake up in your bed.

But you know you live alone.

What do you call Mordecai dressing up as a basketball player?

Blue Jay Simpson!

We gave Erik ten Hag 7-Up after Liverpool thrashed Man Utd 7-0. He said, "F**k you all!"

Wow, you did 10 chin-ups? Was it 1 for each chin?

One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.

How did a man know his wife died?

Dishis start piling up.

My friend in a wheelchair is autistic and tried to fight me, so I said: "If you wanna fight me, I'll run up the stairs, and by the time you get up the stairs, I'll already be down the stairs waiting," and he started crying.

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.

I told her to keep her chins up.

Ever heard of account stealing?

Ever heard of someone by the name of "#SHUT THE HELL UP GWEN DON'T EVEN DATE PRINCE ON FACE BOOK!!!!!!!! I HATE IT WHEN UR HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"?

An orphan comes up to me and says, "You're ugly." I said, "You remind me of Spider-Man: No Way Home."

I saw two really tall guys. I walked up and said, "I didn't know we still have the Twin Towers!"

I was going to tell a joke I made up about my vacuum cleaner, but it sucks.

One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.

How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?