Ups jokes

Why couldn't Professor Xavier fight Magneto? Because he couldn't stand up for himself.

I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something.

A poor person came up to me and said, "You're ugly." I said, "You remind me of Spider-Man: No Way Home."

What do you say to a crippled man getting bullied?

"Why not you stand up for yourself?"

You go up to a bar and say, "Hi." He doesn’t look at you. You keep saying, "Hi." He says, "What?" Then you realize that he is the one that you stole his lady from, but then he doesn’t give you any drink. You say, "Why?" He screams at you and then says, "YOU'RE FIVE!"

As an honest Penaldo fan, I have to admit he is a penalty merchant. He can only score against farmer teams like Spezia. He never shows up against great teams like Barcelona.

I've come to realize my hero Penaldo will never be better than Messi. My idol Penaldo is sadly finished.

What do you call a night person? A night owl 🦉 who is up all night, lol!

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I’m sorry you look like my old beat up shoe.

What takes up 10 parking spaces? Five female drivers.

A guy wakes up one morning and is walking down the road, and he smells fish, and he says, "Good morning, ladies!"

Jack and Jill went up the hill.

Jack fell down, his ass was bound, and Jill continued up the hill.

Jack came back and beat Jill's back, and he got the ultimate kill.

People say my dad left me and was never successful, but if you search up who destroyed the Twin Towers, he will pop up.

Also, my mom's great grandpa killed Hitler.

A woman is lying in bed after making love to her lover. After a moment, she starts to roll over, and in the process, she realizes that the spent condom is still inside her.

Worried, she wakes up her lover. She asks, “What should we do about this?” To which he replies: “Who was it?”

I'm not saying I'm ugly...

But when I'm watching porn, the hot, sexy women in my area always pop up and ask me if I'm rich.

9/11 jokes are that deadly not even the towers could hold themselves up.

I threw a lamp at an emo kid and told him to lighten the f*ck up.

Why can an orphan never get picked up?

Because the white van did not come that day. HAHA BIG LOL

What does a blind man and your dick have in common?

They both can’t get up without a dog.

When you're having a normal day at school, but then...

"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks"

When you go to a baseball game and they say, "Heads up!" and you put your head up, and the ball hits you in the head.