Ups jokes

What does a blind man and your dick have in common?

They both can’t get up without a dog.

When you're having a normal day at school, but then...

"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks"

What do you say to a crippled man getting bullied?

"Why not you stand up for yourself?"

You go up to a bar and say, "Hi." He doesn’t look at you. You keep saying, "Hi." He says, "What?" Then you realize that he is the one that you stole his lady from, but then he doesn’t give you any drink. You say, "Why?" He screams at you and then says, "YOU'RE FIVE!"

As an honest Penaldo fan, I have to admit he is a penalty merchant. He can only score against farmer teams like Spezia. He never shows up against great teams like Barcelona.

I've come to realize my hero Penaldo will never be better than Messi. My idol Penaldo is sadly finished.

Motherhood is a fairytale in reverse. You start in a beautiful gown and end up cleaning everyone's messes.

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.

My husband asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7-Up.

What takes up 10 parking spaces? Five female drivers.

I'm not saying I'm ugly...

But when I'm watching porn, the hot, sexy women in my area always pop up and ask me if I'm rich.

A woman is lying in bed after making love to her lover. After a moment, she starts to roll over, and in the process, she realizes that the spent condom is still inside her.

Worried, she wakes up her lover. She asks, “What should we do about this?” To which he replies: “Who was it?”

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

A poor person came up to me and said, "You're ugly." I said, "You remind me of Spider-Man: No Way Home."

Why can't you make jokes about catholic priests?

Because they blow up in your face.

What do you say to an upset Down syndrome person?

I'd ask what's up, but it's definitely not you!

Are you feeling down? Because I’d happily feel you up.

You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!

If someone licks your elbow, you won't feel it.

If you put your ear up to someone's leg, you can hear them say, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.

Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.

Roses are red, violets are blue.

These jokes are old, come up with something new!