Ups jokes

When you're having a normal day at school, but then...

"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks"

When you go to a baseball game and they say, "Heads up!" and you put your head up, and the ball hits you in the head.

Why can an orphan never get picked up?

Because the white van did not come that day. HAHA BIG LOL

Babe, I'm breaking up with you.

Why? I'm turning 18 tomorrow.

I beat up my twin friends with a plane.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

'Cause they don't got balls to scratch.

What goes up and down and needs two people?

A seesaw.

You know, being a bitch is hard... but I found the person who's up for the challenge... you.

What do you say when you wake up to the police trying to arrest you?

“C'mon, did ya really think I’d resist arrest?”

People wonder why our generation grew up so sarcastic.

"Hey, how do I look?"

"With your eyes, Joe."

I have a daily routine where I take a crap every morning at 6 AM, but wake up at 7 AM. And it's not even a joke.

How do you make a peanut laugh? You crack it up!

What did one skeleton say to the other?

Skeleton 1: "I need a hand!"

Skeleton 2: (Throws up hand)

Skeleton 1: "That wasn't very humerus."

Skeleton 2: "Why do you have to be so heartless?"

Skeleton 1: "At least I had the guts to tell you!"

The one thing I love about Steven is he stood up for all of his haters. Just kidding!

I got a new job at a trampoline park the other day. If I’m being honest, it’s got its ups and downs.

There was a guy called Manners, one called Poo, and one called Shut Up.

One day, Manners was on his way to pick up Poo from school. A police officer stopped Shut Up and said:

Police: "What’s you name?"

Shut Up: "Shut Up."

Police: "Where's your manners?!"

Shut Up: "Picking up Poo."

I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something.

Why couldn't Professor Xavier fight Magneto? Because he couldn't stand up for himself.

Shrek once went to the movies and when he sat down he felt this slimy and sticky feeling on the chair, so he stood up and complained about his chair being dirty... until he realized that he forgot to wipe earlier... so he stopped complaining and went back to his chair and sat back down.

People always often say to someone who are thinking about suicide that's the easy way out. Don't give up! All I say is I'm not giving up, just I'm giving in, and does it really seem like it's the easiest way out? I don't think so, it's probably the hardest if you ask me, or I would have done it already, but someone's got to do it.