Ups jokes

When you go to a baseball game and they say, "Heads up!" and you put your head up, and the ball hits you in the head.

Why can an orphan never get picked up?

Because the white van did not come that day. HAHA BIG LOL

Babe, I'm breaking up with you.

Why? I'm turning 18 tomorrow.

I beat up my twin friends with a plane.

Why couldn't Professor Xavier fight Magneto? Because he couldn't stand up for himself.

As an honest Penaldo fan, I have to admit he is a penalty merchant. He can only score against farmer teams like Spezia. He never shows up against great teams like Barcelona.

I've come to realize my hero Penaldo will never be better than Messi. My idol Penaldo is sadly finished.

There was a guy called Manners, one called Poo, and one called Shut Up.

One day, Manners was on his way to pick up Poo from school. A police officer stopped Shut Up and said:

Police: "What’s you name?"

Shut Up: "Shut Up."

Police: "Where's your manners?!"

Shut Up: "Picking up Poo."

What goes up and down and needs two people?

A seesaw.

Shorts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin. When it's sniff, stick it in. It goes in dry and comes out wet, And the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag.

It's not what you think it is. It's a Lipton tea bag.

Get your mind together!

Go up to your friend and say: "It smells like updog."

They will likely reply: "What's updog?"

To which you reply: "Nothing much, what about you?"

What comes up on small oceans? Microwaves.

How do you make a peanut laugh? You crack it up!

How did the coke seller react when someone told him a joke?

He CRACKed up.

I have a daily routine where I take a crap every morning at 6 AM, but wake up at 7 AM. And it's not even a joke.

You know, being a bitch is hard... but I found the person who's up for the challenge... you.

What did one skeleton say to the other?

Skeleton 1: "I need a hand!"

Skeleton 2: (Throws up hand)

Skeleton 1: "That wasn't very humerus."

Skeleton 2: "Why do you have to be so heartless?"

Skeleton 1: "At least I had the guts to tell you!"

The one thing I love about Steven is he stood up for all of his haters. Just kidding!

I got a new job at a trampoline park the other day. If I’m being honest, it’s got its ups and downs.

People wonder why our generation grew up so sarcastic.

"Hey, how do I look?"

"With your eyes, Joe."

Why can’t you trust an atom?

Because they make up literally everything.