Ups jokes
What did one skeleton say to the other?
Skeleton 1: "I need a hand!"
Skeleton 2: (Throws up hand)
Skeleton 1: "That wasn't very humerus."
Skeleton 2: "Why do you have to be so heartless?"
Skeleton 1: "At least I had the guts to tell you!"
What does a stick say when it falls down? "Wood you help me up?"
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up literally everything.
What do you say when you wake up to the police trying to arrest you?
“C'mon, did ya really think I’d resist arrest?”
Why couldn't Professor Xavier fight Magneto? Because he couldn't stand up for himself.
I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something.
What does a blind man and your dick have in common?
They both can’t get up without a dog.
When you're having a normal day at school, but then...
"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks"
When you go to a baseball game and they say, "Heads up!" and you put your head up, and the ball hits you in the head.
I beat up my twin friends with a plane.
What goes up and down and needs two people?
A seesaw.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
'Cause they don't got balls to scratch.
What do you say to a crippled man getting bullied?
"Why not you stand up for yourself?"
As an honest Penaldo fan, I have to admit he is a penalty merchant. He can only score against farmer teams like Spezia. He never shows up against great teams like Barcelona.
I've come to realize my hero Penaldo will never be better than Messi. My idol Penaldo is sadly finished.
You go up to a bar and say, "Hi." He doesn’t look at you. You keep saying, "Hi." He says, "What?" Then you realize that he is the one that you stole his lady from, but then he doesn’t give you any drink. You say, "Why?" He screams at you and then says, "YOU'RE FIVE!"
Why can an orphan never get picked up?
Because the white van did not come that day. HAHA BIG LOL
Babe, I'm breaking up with you.
Why? I'm turning 18 tomorrow.
Go up to your friend and say: "It smells like updog."
They will likely reply: "What's updog?"
To which you reply: "Nothing much, what about you?"
Shorts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin. When it's sniff, stick it in. It goes in dry and comes out wet, And the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag.
It's not what you think it is. It's a Lipton tea bag.
Get your mind together!
How do you make a peanut laugh? You crack it up!