Two jokes

What’s red, slimy, and makes my wife scream? Two failed abortions!

Two tomatoes are walking on a road. Then a car runs over one of them, and the other says: "Hi, ketchup!"

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.

I’m breaking up with you, bitch.

9/11 was a round of Clash of Clans. They knocked down two towers, not three.

What happened when two invisible giants knocked over their blocks?

9/11.

What happens if you mix the two names "Shannon" and "Stephanie"? You have the name "Shanny."

There were two sisters. They said they were supporting nine eleven, so I shot one of the sister's kneecaps, and the other sister got shot in the head.

What’s the difference between my mom and the Twin Towers?

My mom got hit by two cars. The Twin Towers got hit by two planes.

What is bigger than an elephant but smaller than two elephants?

A different sized elephant.

What do you call two Mexicans playing 1v1 basketball?

One on one! Just think about it. It makes sense.

What are two things you could call a fart?

"Gas from the ass" or "Odor from the motor!"

Which two football teams played in the pirate Superbowl?

The Seahawks and the Buccaneers.

Once, there were two cupcakes in the furnace. One cupcake said, "It's kinda hot in here." The other one said, "Hah, a talking cupcake!"

Dad: Hey son, do you like Christmas?

12 year old me: Yeah!

Dad: Well, how would you feel about two?

Me: What?

Why couldn't the bicycle stand? It was two tired...

What kind of pizzas did they last order at the World Trade Center?

Two large planes!

Why is America so bad at Clash Royale? Because they already lost two towers.

Why did Adolf Hitler wish he had two nuts?

Because he only had one.

So one day, I took a trip to Russia and saw Vladimir Putin walking in the streets without any bodyguards. Seeing as how I looked just like him, we switched places for a few days.

After two days, some officer came up to me and asked if we were going to project блять, and I said yes, and the officer said, "God help us."

So a day later, I heard on the news that every other continent and the moon were destroyed. I then approached the officer and said, "I thought you meant we were having a giant orgy." He said, "We did, and that we were extremely drunk."

Jeffery Dahmer has two things: an RV and a pit.

What is different about the two is that one can't move and one has gas.

But what is similar is tha-

Wait, what is Jeffery doing? He has a knife, he is pulling men's pants down, he is...OH SHIT WHAT THE F-!

Sorry 'bout that......

Now, as I was saying,

What is similar about the two is that one has and is a cockpit.

Wait, a cockpit- JEFFERY WHAT THE F-!