Pair jokes

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.

How do you make a fruit punch?

You give it a pair of boxing gloves.

A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.

The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.

So, a guy is evading the draft. The cops bang on his door, and he runs out the back, through an alleyway onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse. She complies, and the cops walk by and don't see them. The man comes back up from under the nun's blouse and says, "Hey man, you've got a pair of balls!" The nun says, "I didn't wanna be drafted either..."

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? - In case he got a hole in one.

What was the Roman Empire cut in half by?

A pair of Caesars.

What instrument do a pair of sheep play? The two-baaaa.

What do a small pair of underpants and a small dance room have in common?

No ballroom.

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"

"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

Roses are red, flowers are pretty, I heard your mom has a nice pair of titties.

"Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!" "What's wrong with me!" "Calm down, calm down. Just pull yourself together!"

Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?

In case they get a hole in one!

What did the shoe say to the other shoe?

Nothing, it was tied up in another conversation.

To avoid getting drafted, a young man slips into a nunnery to hide from some draft board agents who are after him. Desperate, he approaches a nun and asks her to hide him.

“Get under my robes,” says the nun. “No one will look for you there.” The nun lifts up her robes and the man says, “Hey, that’s a fine pair of legs you have there, sister.”

“Yeah, well if you look a bit higher you’ll see a fine set of balls,” replies the nun. “I didn't want to get drafted either.”

I got in trouble at school today because I played the knife game with a pair of scissors, but I couldn't flip them off because I was missing that finger.

What's the difference between a pair of jeans and an African baby?

A pair of jeans only has 1 fly.

Sydney has a fat pair of spammy flaps that smell of fish 🎣.

How many animals can you fit in a pair of underpants?

A. A cock and a few hairs (hares).

Why don’t I shut myself all the time?

I can only fit so many pairs of kids in my mouth and stomach at the same time.