How do you cut ancient Rome in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas? A pair of gloves! Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts’ which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? - In case he got a hole in one.

How do you make a fruit punch? 🍎 You give it a pair of boxing gloves. 🥊

Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exersice. They got up into the air and Jim said, “okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want.” Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, “I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire.” Allyn said “what?” As he looked over at Jim.

what was the Roman Empire cut in half by?

a pair of Ceasars.

What instrument do a pair of sheep play, The two-baaaa

A pedophile is playing poker with 8 seven year olds. The pedophile has a pair of 7’s and three 4’s in the river. He smiles and says yay i i got me a full house.

Doctor , Doctor, I feel like a pair of Curtains ! what 's wrong with me! calm down calm down Just pull yourself together

Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains! Well, pull yourself together, then.

Doctor, doctor! My brother’s crazy! He thinks he’s a chicken. Is he egging around? Yes, but we need to get the eggs.

Woman: Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I’m an elephant! Doctor: Run around the room. Then the woman stomps around the room and breaks things.

Doctor, doctor! I fell like a bell! Shall I ring you, then? When can you ring me up?

Doctor, doctor! I have a ball stuck in my throat! Shall I bat it and get a run, then?

So, I was walking down the path of my life with bigfoot, noticing the two pairs of footprints, mine and his. One day, I notice his prints are gone. I look up to him and say, “You had promised you would always be there for me. How is this possible?” He, then, looks me straight in the eyes, and say,“Raw!”

What are twins’ favorite fruit?

Pairs 🍐.

why do golfers wear two pairs of pants

because he’ll get a hole in one

A pair of souls were floating up to heaven when they passed a pair of eagles. Ah, eagles, said the souls. The eagles were too polite to say anything.

Why do golfers always bring a spare pair of pants?

Because they always get a hole in one!

Why do nuns go round in pairs? So one nun makes sure the other nun don’t get none!

Doctor Doctor I discovered one of the base pairs in my genetic code is erroneously a stop codon? Nonsense! That shouldn’t be happening!

Why does Trump always ensure he has a second pair of pants with him every weekend?

In case he get a hole in one.

I helped my son (who is missing his arms) unwrap his christmas present ungrateful bastard just sits there and cries, and it’s a pair of mittens. the ungrateful bastard is just sitting there, crying.

How many animals can you fit in a pair of underpants??? A. A cock and a few hairs (hares)

A pregnant woman enters the hospital with her concerned husband. As she goes into labor, a group of doctors asked him if he would like to try a device that transfers your spouse’s pain to the father’s nervous system. He agrees and the doctors turn to dial on the device to 10%. Strangely, the man felt little pain. They continued to adjust the dial until it stopped at 100%, yet the man felt nothing. Later on, the wife had delivered the baby the pair left the hospital with a healthy baby only to find the milkman laying on their stairs with a puddle of blood around his head, shaking uncontrollably.

2 gay kids made their version of the jack,and jill nursery rhyme. jack and jill went up the hill to fetch a pair of latte’s.

what do you call a twinkie with two pairs of pants? double trousers

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