Travel jokes

"Guess how I got to Germany so fast?" "Because I was Russian!"

I don't have a carbon footprint; I just drive everywhere.

My kids [are] so damn bad[.] We took them to Disney in Florida. They paid me not to bring them back ever.

Where does a crayon go on vacation? To color-ado.

We don't got sluts in the South, we got NATS: Nasty Ass Traveling Sluts.

My wife says sex is even better on holiday. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.

An elderly man was happy to finally see his wife again and was packing. He told everyone about the trip.

"I will see her in one week!"

A week later, he died.

Why did the man go across the train tracks to get to the other side?

What's the difference between China and New York City?

In China, the Asians ride ON the trains. In New York City, they usually end up riding UNDER them.

I went, I saw, I poop at hole. I make a portal.

Is it possible for an orphan to go on an away trip?

No, because they already are on one.

What type of pizza do they serve on an airplane?

Plane pizza.

There was a magician on board the Titanic and said that he could make anything disappear.

Once the ship had gone down one of the passengers said to him, "Go on, so what did you do with the ship then?"

One day I was very happy. I managed to win the lottery and receive a free vacation trip to Saudi Arabia!

Everything was going well until suddenly the FRAUD appeared! It was him, PRISTIANO PENALDO! He dived toward me and grabbed my lottery ticket. I asked him why he is doing this, only for him to reply "I need trip to Saudi Arabia to statpad the PENS!" as he dived back through my window.

Shame on you for stealing my vacation and ruining my day! You are no longer my Idol Pristianooooo!

Did you know that former Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison was a firefighter? He got fired for trying to fight a fire with tickets to Hawaii.

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted to eat.

She said nothing, so I took her to Africa.

I invented a time-traveling machine and traveled back to Pangea. I warned the dinosaurs about the deadly asteroid. They told me, "It wasn't an asteroid... it was Pionel Pessi's penalty ball ricocheted from Mars that made them extinct." Tears ran down my face. Shame on you, Pessi!

What's simultaneously up and down?

A retard on a plane.

I left Iran. Guess how? I ran!

A gay couple and a lesbian couple are going to the airport, which one gets there first? The lesbian, duh, they get there "lickety-split."