Worst Jokes Ever

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. The odds were against me.

I hate when I lose my white friends in the snow and my black friends in the dark. Where do I lose my friends from Afghanistan?

In an explosion.

What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?

They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

What do you call depressed Sesame Street?

Emo's World.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalottapuss.

How do you know when a woman is going to have a black baby?

When she takes the tampon out, all the cotton is picked.

I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"

Yo mama is so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and walked out with a job application.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happened to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"

Sometimes I just wake up in the morning, and think, "Well, better luck next time."

What's a depressed person's favorite drink?

A depresso espresso.

JK.

It's cyanide.

What's the most expensive haircut in the world?

Chemotherapy.

Never break someone’s heart, they only have one.

Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.

Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."

My best friend looked at my arms and said, "Stop, sh*t, it's bad," then turns right around and says, "You look like a tiger."

So from here on out I am now Finn, the self-harming tiger.

Nobody

Literally nobody

Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven?

What do you call a night guard at the glory hole inside a adult bookstore?

Guardian of the confessional booth.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. "What happened to your face?" I asked.

"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.

"Boxing?"

"No, ... hurdles."

What do you call a chair that smokes weed?

A high chair.