Worst Jokes Ever

I wondered if becoming a furry could help me escape my crippling depression...

Unfortunately, the veterinarian insisted that he still wasn't going to euthanize me.

Someone who was working in the tower must've put their phone on plane mode.

My girlfriend called me a "pedophile", and I said, "That's a big word for a 5-year-old."

Where did the sheep get a haircut?

At the baa-baa shop.

Little Johnny and his teacher were telling each other jokes and riddles. His teacher asked, "Three birds were sitting on a wire, a hunter shot one. How many are left?" Little Johnny replied, "None, because the sound would scare the other two away." His teacher said, "No, but I like the way you think!"

Little Johnny replied, "Alright, now I have one for you. What goes in dry and hard and comes out soft and hard?" His teacher was shocked and said, "Little Johnny!" He replied, "It's gum! But I like the way you think!"

The doctor told me I had aids. I said, "It's your fault, sister."

Tell someone to look in their shirt and spell attic. Hehe.

Why can't Stephen Hawking be a Rocket League car? Because he can't jump for an aerial.

A man is with his friend in a bar.

The friend, out of the blue, asks, "Hey, what's your body count?"

Nervous, the man looks away.

The friend then says, "I'm talking about sex."

The man then turns back and mumbles, "Oh... I thought you saw inside the basement..."

"Wait, wha..."

"What?"

What's the difference between yes and no...

Nothing.

I got arrested on suspicion of attempted rape all because I was carrying some cable ties, a bit of tape and a piece of cloth. It's such a joke, I hadn't even bought the chloroform yet.

Chuck Norris threw one Pokéball and caught 'em all.

Why can't college students take exams at the zoo?

Too many cheetahs!

I was gonna tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.

What starts with M and ends with carriage?

This joke never gets old, but then again neither does the baby.

Why can't orphans play baseball?

They can't find home.

I'll always remember my grandpa's last words.

"Are you getting the knife?"

Roses are red, that much is true. But violets are purple, not fucking blue.

Bro's hair looks like Buzz Lightyear, going to infinity and beyond!