Worst Jokes Ever
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
A depresso espresso.
JK.
It's cyanide.
Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.
Never break someone’s heart, they only have one.
Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
My best friend looked at my arms and said, "Stop, sh*t, it's bad," then turns right around and says, "You look like a tiger."
So from here on out I am now Finn, the self-harming tiger.
Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.
Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."
What do you call a night guard at the glory hole inside a adult bookstore?
Guardian of the confessional booth.
If you get pinched by a man in a wheelchair, can you call it a "hit and can't run?"
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? "Tie won shu."
I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. "What happened to your face?" I asked. "I'm a Paralympian," he replied. "Boxing?" "No, ... hurdles."
What do you call a chair that smokes weed?
A high chair.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"
Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.
I lost a race with a handicapped person today. The problem was the race was all stairs.
Gravity sure is fast.
What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? -- Identical.
Father and mother are making love in the bedroom. Mother is on top of father. Suddenly, the son enters the bedroom. Everyone is embarrassed, of course.
The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says, "I'll tell you about what you saw yesterday. You know, Dad has a big belly, and that's why Mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat." The little boy says, "But Mama, that does not make any difference." "Oh no?" the mom asks. "No," says the little boy, "When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!"
What's worse than 10 babies nailed to a tree? 1 baby, nailed to 10 trees.
Your forehead's so big that it has its own gravitational pull.
What's the laziest mountain?
Mount Ever-rest.
What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.