They're jokes
Why are astronauts forgetful?
They're always spacing out.
Some of the most convincing people you'll ever listen to are born liars; usually they're called politicians.
None of these are jokes... they're all facts!
Just letting you know if people cry when they see you, that doesn't mean they miss you. That means they're scared of your onion breath.
Man: How do you prepare your chicken?
Waiter: Nothing special, we just tell them they’re going to die.
When somebody says they're depressed (by over-romanticizing their so-called problems) but can't be by your side when you are at your lowest.
Then you know they're faking depression. 🙂
If you know it, you know it.
How are Fortnite cards and orphans similar? They're given away.
Why do emo kids love dressing up on Halloween so much?
It's their last holiday for them, but at least they're still hanging on...
Why do orphans play GTA?
'Cause they're actually wanted.
Why did the emo kid like the all black Oreos?
'Cause they're dark.
What does a lawyer defending a killer and a password have in common? They're case sensitive.
How do homeless people move where they're living?
They pick up their box and walk away.
What do tofu and a dildo have in common? They're both meat substitutes.
Why do musicians in New Orleans smell so good?
Because they're jasmine (jazz men)!
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.
They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."
Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.
"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"
Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"
They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
I hate stairs, they're always up to something.
Why can't pirates play cards? Because they're standing on the deck.
Why are Americans so bad at Chess?
They're missing two towers.
Why can’t dinosaurs clap?
Because they're dead.
I hate it when ever I bring a girl over, my parents don't care, but when I bring one of my friends that's a boy, they're like, "Keep the door open," and I'm gay.