A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

I started beating my washing machine beacause it wasn’t working, my wife started crying.

I ate a time-machine once, it was very time consuming. Especially when I went back four seconds.

What is the difference between a washing machine and a child…?

The washing machine doesn’t cry when you put a load in it.

A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation the man yelled. FREE DISHWASHER!

I tried to take a fog machine, but I took the wrong one. Needless to say, it was a big mist-take.

What did Captain Picard say when he brought his sewing machine to the repairman? – “Make it sew.”

What is the difference between a washing machine and a hooker? I can put a load in the washing machine without it following me.

Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window. When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn’t just walked through the door. The owner responded, “I’m pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food.” When the man looked confused, the owner said; “Windows are nature’s vending machine.”

What’s the difference between a women and a washing machine? The washing machine doesnt follow you after you put a load in it.

There is a man in the hospital the power went out and the man was stabbed to death, there are three witnesses, the nurse who was with another patient, the doctor who was reading some paperwork, and The Who was at the vending machine, who killed the man? The mom did because you can’t use a vending machine when the powers out!

I heard every single machine in the coin factory just broke down all of a sudden, It just doesn’t make any cents!

I have so many cash machine jokes But none of them seem to work ATM

Dad: Why did Jimmy fall off his bicycle? Son: Why? Dad: Because somebody threw a washing machine at him.

Why did the man with no arms fall off his bike? Someone threw a washing machine at him.

Me and my friend were hunting ducks. He had a 12 gague shotgun, and he looked over and I had a .50 caliber machine gun, he said “your crazy!”, I responded “quackers”

Roses are red, violets are blue, this poem doesn’t make sense, washing machine.

Solve this equation: a gay boy+a whole lots a drugs

A hyped up f’ing machine

Time is like a machine, it slows down when beaten

Why was the washing machine laughing? It was taking the piss out of the knickers