Machine jokes
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.
The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.
I tried to take a fog machine, but I took the wrong one. Needless to say, it was a big mist-take.
What has ten children crying, naked, and screaming for their parents?
My big green pedo machine.
A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation, the man yelled, "FREE DISHWASHER!"
Some babies may be delivered via stork, but some bigger babies are gonna need a crane.
During the Great War, a man holding a machine gun shoots down a swarm of soldiers running on a swamp.
He says: "You came to the wrong swamp, Americans! You came to the wrong swamp!" *He didn't stop firing.*
I am armed with an automatic 4-OXD 22. caliber machine gun. HANDS IN THE AIR!
I heard every single machine in the coin factory just broke down all of a sudden.
It just doesn’t make any cents!
What did Captain Picard say when he brought his sewing machine to the repairman? -- "Make it sew."
Roses are red, violets are blue, this poem doesn’t make sense, washing machine.
The Twin Towers were like a woman stuck in the washer machine. They both got freed.
Time is like a machine, it slows down when beaten.
Little boy: Momma?
Mom: Yes, my dear.
Little boy: One day I wanna work in McDonald's.
Mom: Why!?
Little boy: Just to see if their ice cream machine is actually broken.
Me and my suicidal friend are close, so I took him to the mall to treat him.
We bought snacks, a new controller for his Xbox, and LED lights for his room to hopefully brighten his mood. After we scanned the last item, the machine beeped by itself.
What is white, then red, and is very fast?
My chainsaw blade.
Have you ever heard of a dream that that that that the universe was a fake machine?
What do you call a bored robot?
A “sigh”-borg.
What's red all over and spins at 100 mps?
Baby in a blender.
I have so many cash machine jokes.
But none of them seem to work ATM.
What is big, black, and hairy? It's a gorilla with a machine gun.