Machine jokes
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.
The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.
I heard every single machine in the coin factory just broke down all of a sudden.
It just doesn’t make any cents!
What did Captain Picard say when he brought his sewing machine to the repairman? -- "Make it sew."
I tried to take a fog machine, but I took the wrong one. Needless to say, it was a big mist-take.
What has ten children crying, naked, and screaming for their parents?
My big green pedo machine.
I think the Explanation Bear reminds me of Stephen Hawking. Because they're both part machine, and nobody likes them explaining everything.
Roses are red, violets are blue, this poem doesn’t make sense, washing machine.
Dad: Why did Jimmy fall off his bicycle?
Son: Why?
Dad: Because somebody threw a washing machine at him.
A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation, the man yelled, "FREE DISHWASHER!"
So there’s this air purifier in my room, right? It’s really noisy, so I unplugged it to sleep better, and sure enough, I fell asleep faster. So I came to the conclusion: if I unplug noisy machines, people will sleep better.
It worked really well in my local hospital.
I have so many cash machine jokes.
But none of them seem to work ATM.
A young peasant coming from the field with his scythe on his shoulder notices an attractive young woman that was doing the laundry in a mountain stream, perched on some rocks near a waterfall.
The guy stops and leans against his scythe, fascinated by the young girl's beauty.
After minutes of watching her, she loses her balance, slips on a rock and falls all the way down, crushing her head on the white rocks.
Thoughtful, he puts his scythe back on his shoulder and walks away, saying to himself "Damn, another washing machine destroyed by limestone!"
I am armed with an automatic 4-OXD 22. caliber machine gun. HANDS IN THE AIR!
Waluigi gets his Walu-weenie stuck in a vending machine!
What do 15-year-old boys and washing machines have in common?
They both like keeping one sock for themselves.
What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?
The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.
I invented a time-traveling machine and traveled back to Pangea. I warned the dinosaurs about the deadly asteroid. They told me, "It wasn't an asteroid... it was Pionel Pessi's penalty ball ricocheted from Mars that made them extinct." Tears ran down my face. Shame on you, Pessi!
Long time since I made a joke, huh? I used a Time Machine to make this one.
TRUE STORY!
X-Ray Tech: I broke my arm and went to the hospital. The X-Ray Tech was the hottest blonde I've ever seen.
I threw her ass down on the X-Ray table, ripped her clothes off, ripped off mine and I jumped on top of her!
Then I put the X-ray machine on top of us, turned it on and I looked up on the X-ray monitor and I watched and saw my sperm swimming up inside her!
What do you get when you cross a lawn mower and a parakeet?
Shredded tweet!