XXXtentacion

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on technology. So I unplugged his life support. (ref)

My grief counsellor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.😂😂😂╰(*°▽°*)╯

My wife says s*x is even better on holiday. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.

Wife: I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m dad. Wife: No, you’re not.

Man: How do you prepare your chicken? Waiter: Nothing special, we just tell them they’re going to die.

I was raised as an only child, which I think was hard for my brother.

I was digging a hole in the garden when I found some gold coins. I was about to run and tell my wife, when I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden...