Tell jokes

People always tell me to say no to drugs, but if I'm talking to drugs, I probably said yes.

Ask someone to call you a bitch. When they do, tell them, "Bitches do as they are told!"

You telling me Julius Caesar, who has been dead for well over 50 years, made this salad?

Hey man, I was gonna tell a joke about 9/11, but it was just plane.

I would tell a Biden joke except everyone would not stop falling asleep (including him).

A boy walks up to a girl and says, "I would tell you a joke about my dick, but it’s too long."

Then the girl says, "Yeah, I would tell you a joke about my pussy, but you’ll never get it."

What do you tell a suicidal person when they complain about their problems to you?

Just hang in there, man.

The mailman came to drop the mail off.

Me (son): I went and told my mommy that daddy is home.

Mommy tells me, "You got no daddy."

Then I say, "I hear you always call the mailman daddy."

A guy asked me what I do for a living.

Now I'm not old enough to get a job, so I said nothing. He asked me again, so I said, "Your wife!" The guy goes to slap me, but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"

"Me tells dad joke often."

"I want to hear it."

"Me? You wouldn't get it."

What's the difference between Putin and Hitler? I don’t know, you tell me.

How do you tell the difference between a girl spaghetti and a boy spaghetti?

Meatballs.

Hey, can you tell that a blonde likes you? She only gives you two nights in a row.

I was gonna tell a memory loss joke, but I forgot it.

It's quite ironic that people tell you "Happy Birthday," then they want to give you a spanking.

If I could make someone tell me their last words, they'd say, "Make me."

So my dad tells these jokes and someone posted one on this website so...

How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb? 101, one to hold the light bulb and 100 to spin the house.

There’s also one about a bowling ball in a bath tub he hasn’t told me that though. I'll research that.

I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"

He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"

I'm required by law to tell you I am a registered sex offender.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricants.