Tell jokes

I could tell a joke right now, but it's too dark.

When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.

“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

What is the fastest way to spread a rumor?

Telephone? No.

Television? No.

How then? Tell a woman!

People always tell me to say no to drugs, but if I'm talking to drugs, I probably said yes.

Ask someone to call you a bitch. When they do, tell them, "Bitches do as they are told!"

What do you do to a deaf girl after you’re done fucking her?

Break her fingers so she can’t tell anyone.

Is it OK to tell a Covid patient to stay positive?

If you're bored, punch an orphan. What are they going to do? Tell their parents?

When people tell me to "go to hell," I tell them their address.

How do you anger a democrat?

Don't tell him the truth.

You telling me Julius Caesar, who has been dead for well over 50 years, made this salad?

If you jump off a building and yell "parkour," how can they tell that it was intentional? T'was a failed stunt.

I once had a patient who wanted to change his species.

I'll tell you, he was unBEARable.

If I could make someone tell me their last words, they'd say, "Make me."

How do you confuse a blonde?

Tell them to stand in the corner in a round room.

So my dad tells these jokes and someone posted one on this website so...

How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb? 101, one to hold the light bulb and 100 to spin the house.

There’s also one about a bowling ball in a bath tub he hasn’t told me that though. I'll research that.

I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"

He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"

I'm required by law to tell you I am a registered sex offender.

Yo mama's so fat that Jane Goodall couldn't tell if she was a chimpanzee or a human being.

I was born and raised in Newcastle.

My grandfather used to tell me stories about Penaldo, a goblin from Portugal that travels to England when Newcastle is playing. He scores a tapin and then disappears until the next Newcastle game. I still have nightmares that he’s in our stadium.