My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
Tell Jokes
I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
Does anyone still look at this? If you do, tell me if I should make more jokes :)
An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
So, my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn't actually tell me the joke.
A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone.
It’s either really terrible news or really great news.
I'm going to hang myself in the bathroom at school and put a note telling kids that I'm a piñata.
If you're ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?
You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.
What’s the opposite of an exorcism?
It’s when Satan has to tell the priest to come out of the child.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed? Tell him to clap until his parents come home.
Aunt: Stop telling the kids Santa isn't real.
Me: Stop telling them their dad is going to get milk.
What do a politician and a minister have in common?
Both of them will tell you anything to get money from you.
Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”
“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
A boy walks up to a girl and says, "I would tell you a joke about my dick, but it's too long." Then the girl says, "Yeah, I would tell you a joke about my pussy, but you'll never get it."
You tell an orphan joke to an orphan. You start laughing, they start crying. They say they are going to tell their mom. Then you start laughing harder.
The USA guaranteeing freedom of speech is the biggest joke I've heard... Tell that to the people who were almost killed because their cars had "NASCAR Sucks" and "Country and Western is rubbish" on them!
I'd tell you a joke about unemployed people, but none of them work.