Tell jokes

How can you tell if a man is straight? You don't have to, he will tell you.

My parents telling me: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Me upset about my suicide attempt doesn't succeed.

Why is it okay to hit an orphan?

It’s not like they can tell their parents.

Yo mama's so fat that Jane Goodall couldn't tell if she was a chimpanzee or a human being.

I was born and raised in Newcastle.

My grandfather used to tell me stories about Penaldo, a goblin from Portugal that travels to England when Newcastle is playing. He scores a tapin and then disappears until the next Newcastle game. I still have nightmares that he’s in our stadium.

Want to know what I do in my freetime?

Punch an orphan, cuz what are they going to do, tell their mom?

I wanna tell you guys a joke about a broken pencil...

But it’s quite pointless.

We are all just suicidal kids telling other kids not to do it.

Two flies were playing football in a saucer. One tells the other, “You’ll need more practice if you want to play in the cup!”

Hello Miss Chandia, here. I want to tell you guys a joke.

What do jokes serve for dessert?

I would tell you a joke about a slice of pizza, but it's really... cheesy. I donut think you will come up with a better pun than this.

The best way to tell a Hindu person and a Muslim person apart is asking them, "Are you 7-Eleven or 9/11?"

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricants.

Q: How do you get a squirrel to like you? A: Act like a nut! 😂

Q: Why don't eggs tell jokes? A: Because they'd crack each other up.

Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, son, I don't think they would fit me.

I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!

Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!

Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.

What do you do when you're sad? Kick an orphan!

What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

Stop telling orphan jokes before they tell their parents.

Oh wait, they don't have any, please continue.

I would tell you a joke about my dink, but it's too long.

How can you tell an anti-vaccine kid?

It's only got 10 hours to live.

How can you tell if your sister is on her period?

Your father's dick tastes funny.