Tell jokes

My parents telling me: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Me upset about my suicide attempt doesn't succeed.

Two flies were playing football in a saucer. One tells the other, “You’ll need more practice if you want to play in the cup!”

The best way to tell a Hindu person and a Muslim person apart is asking them, "Are you 7-Eleven or 9/11?"

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they are standing.

I would tell you a joke about a slice of pizza, but it's really... cheesy. I donut think you will come up with a better pun than this.

How do you annoy Pinocchio?

Ask him, "Do you always tell lies?"

I wanna tell you guys a joke about a broken pencil...

But it’s quite pointless.

Tell your teacher this: "I passed a test that took 60 minutes. It wasn't your work, it wasn't my work, it was hour work!"

I was going to tell you a joke about a pencil, but now it is pointless.

Hello Miss Chandia, here. I want to tell you guys a joke.

What do jokes serve for dessert?

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricants.

Q: How do you get a squirrel to like you? A: Act like a nut! 😂

Q: Why don't eggs tell jokes? A: Because they'd crack each other up.

Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, son, I don't think they would fit me.

I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!

Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!

Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.

Stop telling orphan jokes before they tell their parents.

Oh wait, they don't have any, please continue.

I would tell you a joke about my dink, but it's too long.

What do you do when you're sad? Kick an orphan!

What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

How can you tell an anti-vaccine kid?

It's only got 10 hours to live.

How can you tell if your sister is on her period?

Your father's dick tastes funny.

Johnny: Why do cuss words exist?

Mom: That's not something you should think about right now. I'll tell you when you're older.

|| 20 YEARS LATER ||

Johnny: Mom, now can you tell me why cuss words exist?

Mom: Because some people invented them so that they could use them when something annoying happened to them.

Johnny: Damn, Mom, you shoulda told me that when I was still seven 'cause now I really feel like that person.

Hillary Clinton is elected president...

And on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."