Tell jokes

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So you can tell them apart from the feminists.

Cops have the hardest job: they have to tell women they have the right to remain silent and know damn well she will not have the ability.

If you have a friend that will not leave you alone about something, just simply tell them: "If you watch something, have you ever thought that you're in a movie when you watch a movie?"

What's a saying you shouldn't tell an epileptic?

Seize your moment.

There's a new Viagra and prune juice diet that's out.

Unfortunately, you can't tell if you're coming or going.

“Life is going swimmingly,”

“Tell that to Whitney Houston.”

I piss on blind kids and tell them it's raining.

What's the best response to a girl saying, 'What's up?'

'If I tell you, will you sit on it?'

A boy is working on his English homework and asks his father for some help. "Dad, what's the difference between 'potential' and 'reality'?"

His dad replies, "I'll tell you what. Go ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks. Then go ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks. Once you have their answers, you'll know the difference."

So the boy goes to his mother and poses the question: "Would she sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks?"

She answers, "Don't tell your Dad, but yes, I certainly would!"

The boy then goes to his sister and asks her his next question: "Would she sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?"

"Oh definitely!" she answers, without a moment's thought.

The boy goes back to his father, an expression of understanding on his face.

"You're right, Dad, I know the difference now. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks. In reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."

I piss on blind kids and tell them it's raining.

How do you tell an Indian person from a Muslim?

Are you 7/11 or 9/11?

How do you tell an Indian person from a Muslim?

Are you 7/11 or 9/11?

How do you piss off a midget?

Give them a yo-yo and tell them to play with it.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricants.

What’s a reverse exorcism?

It’s when the demon tells the priest to get out of the child.

Lemme tell you a little story.

It’s night. You’re in your room, trying to sleep. But you keep hearing it—scratching. Soft at first. Like fingernails on wood. You tell yourself it’s rats, or the house settling. But it keeps going. Slow... then faster.

So finally, you get outta bed. You get on your hands and knees, put your ear to the floor. And you hear it. A voice. Whispers. Crying.

Your heart’s pounding. You grab a crowbar. You pry up the floorboards. One by one. Your sweat’s dripping into the dust. The noise gets louder.

And finally... you peel back the last plank.

And you see these eyes. Wide and terrified. And a pale little face staring up at you.

BOOOOOOO!!!!

It’s Anne Frank.

How do you find a black person in the dark without a flashlight?

Tell them a joke to make them smile.

I was going to tell a ghost joke, but it just seemed so mean-spirited.