Short jokes
I either want to hang, stab, or shoot myself. I'm dying to choose.
Why aren't emos and trees friends? Because the tree leaves them hanging.
"You the bomb!" No, "you the bomb!" A compliment in America, an argument in Afghanistan.
It’s really hard to maintain a good body lately, unless you put it in a freezer.
We all know that Lincoln and Kennedy are the most open-minded presidents in the world.
Crappy joke warning: How does Spongebob have fun? He smokes seaweed.
I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store, just to take me with him and scan my wrist.
A necrophiliac woman goes over to her friend's house after hooking up.
"Was it hung?" her friend asks.
"No, he was shot."
Me: Mom, would you get mad at me for something I didn't do?
Mom: No.
Me: Ok, good. I didn't do my homework.
So my dad said to me and my sister, "Don't fight," but did he mean "fist fight" or "yelling fight?"
The depressed kid went to give a tree a high five...
...but it left him hanging.
When the school shooter misses you, but you gotta play it off.
😐😑
One day I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will let it go.
What kind of beer is an orphan's favorite?
Foster's!
Why did the Japanese NOT shoot down the American plane that was dropping atomic bombs?
From what their eyes saw, it was a piece of rice.
Dogs can't operate MRI machines.
But cat scan!
Why did Hitler turn to genocide after a failed career as an artist?
He never learned to mix the colors.
A woman can fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship.
A man can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.