Short jokes
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.
How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?
Take a flute and shove it up your ass.
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Racecar backwards is racecar, but racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died.
What do you call a redneck on fire?
A fire cracker.
Did you know that towels are the leading cause of dry skin?
What is Helen Keller's favorite color?
Velcro.
What's Al-Qaeda's favorite sports team?
The New York Jets.
What's the difference between property and women? At least property still retains some value after getting wrecked.
What does B.I.B.L.E. stand for?
Bull Shit In Book Lacking Evidence.
Does it cycle now?
Bully: Hey virgin!
Victim: I'm not a virgin, just ask your sister.
Bully: I don't have a sister, dumbass.
Victim: Just wait nine months.
How does a blind person know when a skydive has finished?
The dog lead went slack.
What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?
A microtransaction.
What does the cannibal get after a one night stand?
Breakfast in bed!
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a badly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.
We're skipping April Fools' Day this year. The biggest joke is already sitting in office running our country.
My kids are so ungrateful. I got them a new dishwasher and they just won't stop complaining about their mom.
What type of meat do priests eat on Good Friday? Nun.
Why did the democrats come out of the closet as assholes after they found out that Rush Limbaugh died? Because they don't fear him anymore.