Short jokes

Your mama so ugly that even Rick Astley had to give her up.

Roses are red, potato chips are savory...

The United States prison system is legalized slavery.

Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive!

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.

If you wanna really know how to get under my skin, give me a razor and maybe we'll talk ;)

Turn the comments into a kindergarten fight.

Do trees shit?

Well, how else would we get #2 pencils?

I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.

Nazis have marched in Melbourne. Are you sure Eric Clapton and Carrie Underwood are not touring in Australia?

Why did Michael Jackson like having little boys round him? He was studying for the priesthood.

Friends call me crack miser, whatever I snort. My brain starts to distort! I'll be in court.

What's the difference between Freddie Mercury and Princess Diana?

Freddie lived long enough to be a Queen.

Abortion clinics are kind of like NAZI gas chambers. Less people come out than go in.

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

So I asked my mom for a bath bomb, she just gave me a toaster.

I finally stopped drinking for good.

Now I purely drink for evil.

After long consideration, I've decided to get a zebra tattoo on my wrist. Not like anyone will notice the difference.

Why did the Mexican get put on anxiety meds?

Because of Hispanic attacks.

Who says “white men can't jump?” They certainly did when the twin towers were falling.

My Grandmother died last month. The thing that bugs me to this day, I couldn't understand her last words... through the pillow.