Short jokes

I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store, just to take me with him and scan my wrist.

Crappy joke warning: How does Spongebob have fun? He smokes seaweed.

Men: "I like dogs."

Women: "I like cats."

Chinese: "Food is food."

When the school shooter misses you, but you gotta play it off.

😐😑

Roses are red, Violets are twisted, You bend over, You're about to get fisted.

Yo mama is so fat, that when I unfollowed her on Instagram, my phone got 1 GB of storage.

The depressed kid went to give a tree a high five...

...but it left him hanging.

Me: Mom, would you get mad at me for something I didn't do?

Mom: No.

Me: Ok, good. I didn't do my homework.

So my dad said to me and my sister, "Don't fight," but did he mean "fist fight" or "yelling fight?"

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Trick question, feminists don't change anything.

Why is the bottom of the sea so dark?

Because Black people can’t swim.

What do lesbians do when they have a problem? They finger it out.

When Santa asks you what you want for Christmas, then says "ho ho ho," say, "Yes, please."

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.

There was a kid crying. I asked him where his parents were. He cried more. Orphanages are really fun to work at.

I made a 3D game about a depressed, self-harming goth. It's mostly unskippable cutscenes.

Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will let it go.

What's a pedophile's favorite cooking ingredient?...... Fresh meat.

A little known rule: You cannot be circumcised if you are running for political office in the US.

You need to be a complete dick.

Abortion clinics are kind of like NAZI gas chambers. Less people come out than go in.