Short jokes
My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.
What did me and my uncle call hide and seek? Naked and afraid.
What does an Al Qaeda terrorist and a flexible man have in common?
They can blow themselves up.
Looks like I lost an electron, I should keep a better ion them.
You meet the guy who invented 0, what do you tell him? Thanks for nothing!
Whenever my grandparents apologize, I say "forgive and forget". They are really obedient.
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
What do you call an autistic kid who just saw Transformers? Autistimus Prime.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? -- One. They are efficient and don't have humor.
"what's that on your wrist?"
"I'm a cutting board. duh"
You know what they say about dark humor: it hits harder than a drunk parent.
I remember when I was a kid, I thought the world used to be colorless.
I was kinda right. They used to not let colors in a lot of areas.
What do you call a porn star that always goes back for more?
Craven Morehead.
What are the differences between Santa and Joe Biden?
The kids actually want to sit on Santa’s lap.
Why do orphans go to the ancient pyramids for vacation?
In hope to find a mummy.
What do you call a bad amputation?
A rip-off.
My friend once said my opinion didn't matter. I said, "Why did you call me a female?"
Whoever took my anti-depressant pills,
I hope you're fucking happy.
Why didn't anyone react when the king farted? -- It was a noble gas.
Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.